Everything and Nothing

Do you ever feel like you have too many ideas? And just as one begins to become more, another one comes to fill its place?

Years ago I was taking tests online to see what my ideal career path ‘should’ be. I remember recording everything in a notebook and drawing diagrams and charts. I was going to figure this out.

I saw so many potential paths forward. Even narrowing down my interests didn’t give me true clarity. I continued researching and reading articles and books online about finding your career path.

I was going to figure this out.

I stumbled across an article that said something like, having too many interests can be as debilitating as not having any. I remember looking up from my laptop and thinking, oh no, I have too many interests.

This seemed to come up again and again. My stalemates and indecision would come from too many ideas, too many potentials. I was an idea factory. Even in my time designing clothing and costumes, I would stay up for hours on end, sketching ideas. They never stopped coming.

When I got into painting, it was the same madness. I saved large sheets of packing paper from the studio where I worked so I could have endless canvas space. Sheet after sheet of paper, I would paint or sketch or scribble. It felt like I could go on forever.

I had this desperate desire to create mountains of imperfect creations. But to me, they were perfect. They were my in-the-moment expression of an idea. Fresh, alive, whole unto themselves. They weren’t trying to be anything. Just…expression.

What was I supposed to do with this? Part of me kept trying to reel me in. Make something saleable. Make something that seems complete to other people. Stop wasting paper. Stop wasting materials.

But I didn’t want to make anything perfect. I either wanted to spend countless hours working in extreme detail on a project or countless hours just loosely expressing ideas. Or I just wouldn’t create anything because too many ideas were coming through.

Even with writing, I have dozens of blog posts just sitting in my drafts. In various states of completion. One idea would come through and then on its heels, another. So I would write entry after entry, never bothering to edit them. Or before I could even get a sentence out, I was already distracted by the multitude of new ideas coming in.

I wondered about this. Why was I so reluctant to stay on one topic? It just felt as though the new idea would make the old one obsolete. No longer interesting. But with so many new ideas coming in, everything was becoming obsolete too quickly.

In quarantine, it was easier to write, to paint, to design. Everything was slower. My mind could focus on one idea and easily go in more deeply. I remember telling myself to keep my inner calm as things began to open again. Don’t get swept up into everything again.

But it was inevitable. Our world is so beautiful. There’s so much variety. My inspiration takes me everywhere and nowhere at once.

I practice focusing…but the wildness of running off in a million directions in my mind is too alluring. I’d rather run along with the new ideas, one giving way to the next. Creating nothing, but seeing everything.

Today I sat here and thought, I won’t try to focus into an idea. I’ll focus into this moment. This is what this moment sounds like to me.

The Clarity of Love

I do a lot of energetic traveling, you could say. If I have a problem or a query I’m working on, I feel into it and around it. I feel out where it derives from and what relates to it. I swim all around until I start to feel clarity. Like when you’re trying to figure something out and the solution begins to drift into your mind. “Light-bulb moments”. Except the light-bulb moments feel like a cool breeze washing over you on a hot day. Or that feeling when you’ve just cleaned or organized a room and you gaze at the space with a feeling of peace and accomplishment.

I read something once that said, “you’re strong enough to be gentle”. I’d like to adapt that to, “I’m strong enough to be loving”. I wouldn’t have thought that being loving takes strength. But love does feel hard sometimes doesn’t it? Why is that? What’s that tense feeling that comes up sometimes in relation to love?

In my understanding, that tension is being dependent another person’s words and actions and how they relate to you. If we subscribe to the idea that being loving (through words or actions) makes one vulnerable, and we cannot guarantee another’s reaction to it, then tension or unease seems like a pretty natural outcome.

But what if we were Strong enough to be loving? Brave enough to be kind? What does that really mean?

It means that I will be who I am, without needing you to be a certain way. I’ll know who I am and act in that way, without basing it on external validation. “But what if…” is the beginning of every nervous feeling. The tipping point between confidence and flailing.

What would it be like to stand full and complete in yourself, to feel the impulse of love and peace and to speak from that place? Would the outcome matter if the expression was full of You, acting from your highest?

Could you express this way? Could you speak and act from your highest and let go of the expectations of what might follow?

I’ve found that love is the answer to everything I ask. Cheesy, I know. But it’s true.

All answers and solutions are found in the feeling-space of love. And when you can’t find that feeling-space in relation to something you’re working on…then that’s what you need to work on. Let go of what you think you need to solve and begin the journey to see the subject through the eyes of love.

You’ll find that you are no longer dependent on anybody or anything to work a certain way. You won’t need anyone to be a certain way. Suddenly, you’ll release your attachments and expectations and the path to follow will be clear and obvious.

The only things that cause confusion are rooted in fear. When you let go and step away from fear (as you make your way towards love), the confusion naturally dissipates. You cannot be in love and in confusion at the same time.

I’ve found that we look at others critically, fearfully, and defensively when we think one of these two things about them:

1. They have the power to affect my life. 2. I need something from them to feel good.

Both of these can be assuaged by reclaiming ourselves and our own power. Can another affect how I’m feeling, by affecting what I’m thinking about? NO. Others bring you opportunities to choose your response to their behavior or words. No one has control or power over what you think in your own mind and how those thoughts cause you to feel.

Be kind not to elicit a ‘response to kindness’ from another, but because it feels good to be kind. Because it feels good to act from a place that feels like the ‘real you’. And no matter how someone responds, you still know who you are. You are kindness.

So who are you today? Are you anger or are you kindness? Have you let the external world determine You, or are you staying steady in your own knowing?

I have begun on a journey of dating adventures. I call them adventures because to me, it feels like a journey to foreign, unknown lands. What are the customs here? What do I wear? How should I speak?

I’ve felt myself shrinking into a Small Me, wobbling around in uncertainty. Where I’m used to seeing easy, clear flowing energy…there are piles of rubbish and chaos. Dark monuments to distant memories and shadowy distractions.

Where was I? Not where is this place, but where is Me? Where is Me? She wasn’t here, not the Heba I’ve come to know anyway. I was far away from my light.

So I used all my tools to gather myself and make the journey back to Me. Once I reached familiar ground, I turned around to shut a big, heavy, iron door to that foreign, uneasy place. But mid-swing, I stopped. How will I ever learn to traverse those lands?

Am I strong enough to be Myself and walk through that haze? I contemplated this.

Earlier, I debated sending a message to someone I liked. I felt the haziness starting to descend. I was slipping into confusion (fear) and away from love. Suddenly a big wave came over me. This feeling of ME. Who I am. How I like to be in this world. And I felt, oh I know her. I know what she would say and what she would do in this situation.

She would choose love. Because no matter what happened, she would still be with herself, and herself was Love. It was my first moment of clarity. The first beam of light shining through that hazy, unknown land.

“Ok, I can do this. I think I’m strong enough to be loving. I want to be strong enough to be loving. Strong enough to be myself.”

And the words of the message I wanted to send were clear. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and it felt good. It felt like me.

Guidance from the Highest

What is a guide, and where the heck are they guiding you?

When I first started reading [energy], I did not refer to anyone as a guide. In fact, I call what I do “channeling” now, but it came through described as “reading”. The difference is in perspective and in how I relate to what I’m doing.

I bought a notebook and began recording my experience of reading/channeling once it began. Mostly I wrote down what sounded like a manual. Directions, tips and tricks. Answers to my questions or concerns.

I remember writing down that the people around me would help to give me the words to label what I was doing. People are good at categorizing and labeling. So I would just do what I do, and see what happened. Pretty soon everybody had words for me.

I would compare the word against what I felt I was doing and if it felt okay, I’d write it down. I compiled a list of the words people used to describe me and the experience. I reflected on it often to feel which words still resonated with me and which fell flat.

I remember when someone used the word “guides”. I really liked it. Not in its accuracy, but because it conveyed a similar feeling to what I was experiencing. Yes, that was on the right track.

My goal a long time ago was to be a doctor or a physician’s assistant. I went to school to study Biology. My life ended up having other plans for me, but that examining part of me still exists. I tend not to label because labels are an end point. And end points are not desirable to someone such as myself, who likes to take off labels and dissect what’s inside.

I recently read a book about channeling. I had avoided any literature of the kind up until now. I wanted to directly experience and understand without other people’s ideas clouding my vision.

I didn’t even realize I was buying a book about channeling, I had been looking up trance states. One thing led to another and I started reading this book. A few chapters in, I made the connection. “Ohh, this is channeling? Mm, okay.” It sounded exactly like what I do, except I never felt like I was channeling some other entity.

There was no division. No one said, “hello we come from beyond we are your guides”. But most everything else was like a spot-on description of what had transpired for me. Everything besides the idea that I was channeling some other specific being. That didn’t feel accurate.

But still, I liked this word ‘guides’. It translated well. People understood what I was trying to convey if I said “guides” much more than when I said things like “tapping into the multitude of consciousness of all that is, that includes us, is us, and so much more. transmitting from the place known to all. where we are one. a place, a consciousness that is not separate or apart from your own but includes mine and yours. speaking from all-ness to you in a way that can be understood from your specifically focused now-perspective. where everything melds together into knowing. you could say streaming from the place of all knowledge and streaming the Knowers of that knowledge interchangeably. the ‘place’ where all IS and the knowing that exists there are the same.”

So…’guides’ was just easier. I tried to feel into the place where I go when I “channel” and I tried to see it through the filter of having “guides”. But it didn’t click for me. I felt Guidance, sure. I felt support. I felt love. But there was no feeling of “other”. Just presence. Presence. Steady, sure, knowing. Like it was us in a more expanded state, looking back at us.

When I read for people they often say things like:

Oh yeh, I knew that I just wasn’t sure.”

I felt that was the right thing to do, but I doubted myself.

“I feel like I already knew that.’

“‘That sounds like something I would say.”

They hear the words spoken and they feel relief and clarity. The words “I know”.

I know that. I knew that.

Why? Because I’m reflecting who-they-are back to them. I’m magnifying their self-guidance and leaving behind the other ‘noise’ that’s created in the mind. The words feel familiar, they feel like love, they feel like they make sense – because they are their own words that have been drowned out by distraction or not yet found by their conscious awareness.

The answer to everything you ask is hovering around you. You may or may not make the journey to retrieve the answer, but it’s there. It’s known by the quieter parts of you. When I read someone, those answers look like a light off in the distance, and there is a trail that leads from where they stand now to that Knowing. That’s the trail I ride in a reading. That’s where we travel to together. Along all those trails that lead to what you want to know. It’s all there, in the atmosphere of your being.

We can all tap into that illustrious higher guidance.

Help me to hear clearly. Let the voice of my own highest guidance rise above the rest. Let my doubts fall away so that my Knowing is undeniable. Help me flow my way to the understanding I seek.

These are the words of prayer. To connect you back in with yourself. This world is a world of distraction, distortion, and disconnection. Because it is a world of freedom and variety. It’s up to each of us to maintain a steady connection to our broader knowing. Distraction is inevitable. It’s in our practice of discerning between the inner voice and the “outer” voice that we can regain balance.

The work I’ve done lately with others has been relaying their own knowing back to them. Knowing from their larger selves. Knowledge that seems unavailable simply because we don’t travel to where it is held.

There is other knowledge as well. About our universe, other dimensions, purpose, the nature of existence. Interestingly, when I sit with someone, these seemingly grand ideas rarely come up. Often it’s a desire for reconnection. You wants to tell You something.

The focus typically resides in the attitude of “a better life”. Living better. My life. My details. My desires. My trajectory. Who am I? What am I doing? What happens next?

We are self-consumed. Obsessed with our own lives and our specific perspective of life and the world. This isn’t a bad thing. This is natural to the human condition. It just IS. We were made this way, to be invested in our own life and individual perspective. It’s not selfish, it’s human. Or rather, it is selfish, because it is human to be so.

But included in that selfishness, that humanness, it the desire to be Kind. To be Loving. To create Harmony. The ones we point at and say, “You’re selfish!” are in fact not being selfish. They are not self-directed, they are “outer self” directed. To be human, to be truly selfish, you naturally lean towards equilibrium in your environment and with the others in the same space. To desire well-being for Self is to desire well-being for All.

It’s because I know how to love myself that I know how to love you. It’s because I know how valuable I am, that I know how valuable you are. Anyone not operating in this way is not selfish, they are momentarily perceptually self-absent. If you look at someone and you see them as void of value, part of you seems yourself as void of value. Or part of you is perceiving You as incomplete, apart from the fullness that you are. It is always the case.

The guidance from “guides” is not guiding you towards some greater knowing or intention that is different or apart from you. It’s not about telling your guides, “Hey you go fix this. Make this better”. Their role is to help you understand how your world works and how to operate within it in a way that feels satisfying and powerful.

This morning my prayer changed in attitude, spontaneously. New words arose.

It’s not your job to run my life for me. To fix things that I feel powerless to control. It’s your role, as I see it, to guide me to be better at being a human. To understand the human stance. To understand how to wield my power and how it works. To understand how things work and what my place is in the working of all things.

This one time while I was living in Florida I was so unclear about my direction. In a moment of desperation I yelled out, what do you want me to do?!

A sarcastic reply emerged, “Here we’ll write you a detailed list of every next step in your life. Every feeling you should feel. Every thought you should have. Who you should spend time with. What clothes you should wear.” On and on they went until I said, ‘Okay fine I get it’.

I had to choose. What did I want next in my life? What did I want? What do I want? It’s not a mystery, it’s a choice. Your choice.

Nothing is unknown when you have a desire to know.

Guidance doesn’t replace you, it helps you to become more of Yourself.

Balance of Definitive States

We all seem to ask ourselves that question, “What can I learn from this?”, when life presents things that make us uncomfortable. Often, there are many things that we can take from life’s “lessons”. Though I like to look at them more like, You trying to show You something. A better way of looking at things, an easier approach, or something that causes you to reach higher and claim the part of you that has evolved.

I’m going through one of those periods right now. They come around often, but some are more activating than others. Some come over you like a rogue wave in a steady ocean. Taking you for a ride you didn’t see coming.

One thing remains constant in every “lesson” or presentation that life reveals. It compels you to see yourself. For your foundation to come forward, all parts of you become magnified. The parts that fear, the parts that hope. The darkest beliefs and your deepest resilience. You step forward to meet the waves of life and you get to know yourself in how you react.

Who am I? What do I believe? What do I turn to when I can’t feel ground beneath my toes? What steadies me, is it anger or hope? Or both? And later, who do I want to be? How do I want to respond to The Uncomfortable?

One lesson that seems apparent for me right now is one of tempering. Not tempering extremes, but feeling out the middle way between definitive states.

I employed so many safety measures to “deal with life”, as we all do. I’ve had to let go of these as my understanding has deepened and my ability to choose who I am has become more accessible. One of these safety measures was ignoring the middle ground, the process, the step-by-step. I didn’t like in-betweens or transitions. Even dusk and dawn caused me anxiety. Not quite night and not quite daytime.

Now, I stand outside at those times of natural transition and I breathe. I feel the shift and let myself flow with the change. It’s okay. Old energies fade away, new awareness steps forward.

Here again, I find myself directed to step into the middle way. The undecided place. Where it’s not about life or death, it’s about a journey. Not blazing forward into life or releasing into death, but walking the path of ‘figuring things out‘. Taking it step by step.

We’re quick to make a prognosis or to want a prognosis. “Just give it to me straight.” Hurrying to find out whether something is alive or over. Hurrying so we can settle into place emotionally. But what about that in-between place? What if we step off the fast track to finalities and walk a bit into the place where things are getting reorganized?

In all my travels, I haven’t ventured there purposefully. I feel myself called there now: the uncomfortable place.

I feel called to rename it. The place of peaceful unfolding. The place of possibility. The place of gentle movement. Where things aren’t defined by an outcome, but shaped by what you do and who you are as you walk down that slower path.

And I find myself willing. Willing to walk slow. Willing to not need or demand, but ask and listen the best that I can. Not to be desperate for outcome, but willing to be with the journey. Step-by-step. To replace my pain with something new. Understanding maybe. Connection maybe.

This takes a different kind of strength. The strength to walk slow and sure. Slow and steady. Willing and available for love to intervene. Face pointed upward, letting the waves of light softly do their work.

A different kind of healing. One that hovers softly in the in-between space.

One that takes a different kind of strength.

And I am willing.

Speaking from Spirit

What happens when doubt dissipates?

Do you know what it is I do? I sit with people and I enter a very relaxed place, an altered state. I let truth flow outward to the person across from me.

One of the very first hurdles I had to cross over was Doubt. Am I getting the right message? Am I relaxed enough? Am I saying the right thing? Are they feeling okay?

And you can’t get a clear message when doubt is present. Instead of feeling a steady, clear wave, it would feel scrambled and wobbly-unsure of itself.

I had the best reason in the world to become practiced at Sureness. I wanted to honor this work, to deliver something true and loving and steady.

I like the word Sure. It’s different than confident. Sure is present in this moment. Present in my body, Knowing in how I move and what I am doing.

Confidence is moving forward because you trust in your judgement and acknowledge your self-worth. In Sureness, I allow myself to connect in the most clear way. I trust in my ability to Discern. I lock into a place of Clarity and I let it flow without judgement.

What comes out of me then feels Just Right. It feels like it knows itself. It’s not worried about how it sounds, it’s only concerned with speaking truth.

I wanted to write about this because the other day, I heard some words escape my mouth and they felt so good. The place they came from felt familiar. I felt like I’d been there before.

It was the place of Being in Love. Those ‘corny’ or poetic things we say when we’re in love. But in the moment, they feel just right. Spontaneous. Like they erupted straight from that place of adoration or connection with another.

We knew them to be Absolute Truth in that moment. “You have the most beautiful eyes.” In that moment, it is a statement of fact. Springing forth from your love.

When I sit with someone, I reflect back to them how they are seen by All That Is. Spirit is one name I use to refer to that massive consciousness. I reflect back how their whole self sees them, how Spirit sees them. And often times, it sounds like a love letter.

It sounds like they are seen from a place of being in love. As though that place exists whether or not you are currently ‘in love’ with a person. And maybe falling in love denotes the journey you make to that space.

The kind of journey where you pack nothing, in fact, you drop off some things to make the trip. You let go, you give in. You allow yourself to become soft and willing and float your way to Being in Love.

I dare say this place exists. And it can be traveled to at anytime, whether you have a lover or not. You float into it sometimes in meditation, or playing an instrument, or dancing, or singing.

Speaking from that place of Love feels like speaking the most definitive, sure, true and unaltered words I’ve ever spoken. They are fact. How much you are loved and adored by All That is, is fact. And there is no greater exhilaration than reflecting that love back to you.

I wanted to sit with this. How can I speak that way more often in my daily life? To speak words without judgement that are the most true. To see you (all of you) with the eyes of the whole and feel the joy that arises within me. To be unafraid to speak from that most loving space.

An invitation for you as well to find this loving space in the every day. To allow your lips to part and spontaneously give words to that love. Surprise yourself. It might be what you most need to hear, as well as the person across from you.

With Love,