The Eyes of the Heart

It’s past midnight and I should be sleeping.

I laid awake thinking about this thing that’s been bothering me. I rolled it around and around in my head. Trying to see it with my larger vision, trying to see the trail of ease and light flowing through it. But the more I looked, the more frustrated I became. Sad, frustrated, and hopeless. I took comfort in a few moments of apathy before it started rolling around again in my mind.

I asked for guidance, I went to look with my larger eyes to where I usually find answers. But I was turned away. I’d been turned away for weeks now. Where once there was a well of peace and response, now was a closed door. A sign hanging that said, “Turn back.”

I didn’t understand why. Why on this most-emotional subject could I not see the path? Why was I being turned away by my higher guidance? I didn’t understand, but I knew it was for the best. I could feel it.

My stubborn self, inexhaustible in my constant search for answers, solutions and broader vision was not satisfied. I fought with myself. “Let it go” I told myself. But I couldn’t. So I stayed in the purgatory of the mind.

Endless thoughts that lead nowhere. The incessant ups and downs of emotion, like the waves of a restless sea.

And then, suddenly, I saw a little glimmer of light. I felt it. A little spark of wisdom. It was so small, so subtle, I ran to chase it down in the cluttered mess of my mind. I would barely get hold of it and poof, it would evaporate.

I tried to remember what it felt like. Like catching a whiff of a flower and looking around to find its origin. I sniffed around. I caught it again and again and I listened to what it was saying.

Words like, “Kindness. Soft. Gentle”.

That was closer, but not quite accurate.

Again I listened. “Kindness? Soft. Gentle. Soft.”

The word ‘soft’ became more prominent. So soft. So subtle. Almost unfelt.

I could barely understand the message. And as I used my mind to make sense of it, it was trampled by overbearing thoughts and images.

I listened again. This time I listened with my whole body.

“Soft. Kind. Unfelt. Gentle. Non-judgment.”

“Non-judgment.” I understood this as…’where judgment doesn’t live-cannot live’.

I felt something in my heart space. Something echoed in my chest. A pulsation of feeling.

I brought my awareness to my heart and listened from there.

And I got it!

I understood.

‘Don’t approach this from the head, the mind, or even vision. Approach it from the heart.’

Vision was always my highest. This is where clarity is for me, connection to my guidance, connection to the light.

I follow light streams through this vision, it’s how I travel. And when I feel it, I feel it behind my eyes or in my forehead or somewhere above my head. When I flow energy, I feel it in the palms of my hands, or streaming through my forearms.

My heart lights up when there’s a direct message of love for someone I’m reading. And I transmit that love from my heart to their energy field. I match its essence and I echo it out of me.

Sometimes right at the start of a reading or right at the end, I’ll feel that lit-up heart space. It feels like recognition, someone is being seen with the eyes of Love. Or, love is currently the dominating presence.

Otherwise, I don’t look with my heart. I never even thought about it.

Vision from the heart doesn’t have words. Or rather, its words are so simple it’s as though you’re saying nothing.

It just sends out pulsations. Impulses. It directs you from wisdom that lies outside of the mind. And that wisdom is acted out through you as love.

It feels like a gentle cooing. That maybe if we spoke in a different language that originated in Love, we would all be cooing at each other.

Life would be less complex-relationships would be less complex. Our primary messages to each other would be messages of soothing. Affirmations of well-being and belonging.

But Love is only one language we speak here. There are so many others.

Perhaps I became lost in these others, and forgot the most natural one of all. The one that barely speaks, and in the fewest words gives us more than the endless novels of the mind’s thinking.

Tomorrow I’ll remember. I’ll remind myself. I’ll tap my hand on my chest and remember, “Look with your heart.”

And I’ll be gentle.

I’ll be present and echo that impulse of love that swells into my heart from the heart of the divine.

Tomorrow I’ll practice a new kind of seeing. I’ll steady myself into my heart space and see life through its eyes for awhile.

High Work & High Paths

Every now and then a new term is coined during a reading. Most recently, “high work”.

High Work is the type of inner work you’re called to do, that is a little extra hard or tricky. It’s the kind you don’t have to do. Your life would continue on, mostly okay if you didn’t do it. So you have less inclination to respond to this kind of work. It’s mostly pushed to the side.

It comes back to the foreground when you’ve done the other more “urgent” work, and there is opportunity for “high work”. Interestingly, most people would rather dive into lower work to avoid high work.

Because HW compels you to break new ground. To take your thoughts to new places. To catch yourself as you go down familiar thought-ways and redirect your attention.

It takes more energy to do HW. You can’t be as lazy with your thoughts and you can’t feel sorry for yourself in this kind of work. It presents itself when your spirit knows you are currently Able to do this kind of work.

Today I was called upon to do some HW of my own. I could feel that it was coming, but the last month or so I was too busy in my low-work to get there.

Everyone’s work is different of course, and all work is created to clear paths to freedom. So that life can feel like a choice and not a chore. Like a creative adventure rather than penance.

My current high work gives the following instructions:

When my thoughts include another person, to notice whether my energy dips or elevates, and if it dips, to immediately take that thought and shift it so that it elevates. I can feel the tension as I attempt this. The practiced habit of moving forward with the suggestion of a thought tugs at me to follow. And in the moment that I hit pause and redirect, I can feel a visceral “Whoop!”. Like going over a big bump while driving and feeling the tummy flop as you come back down the other side.

As soon as I notice a thought enter about a person, and a subsequent energy dip, I imagine that person laughing or smiling, or the sun shining on their face. That’s my go-to image that helps me redirect. Or I’ll think about them standing outside smiling, on a sunny day. And Whoop! suddenly I feel upliftment in my heart about them and about myself.

It’s high work because it takes a lot of interference with practiced thought-ways. It’s bringing a lot of awareness to what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling. And it’s seemingly less appealing than moving forward with practiced thoughts and feeling patterns. There is comfort and predictability in doing what we know. So why take that comfort away and do something new?

Sometimes it’s not a good time for high work. There might not be enough energy flowing in your system to make make such constant interruptions. Sometimes another type of work is more beneficial.

When I attempt HW at the “wrong” time, I can’t keep it up. It doesn’t feel beneficial. In fact, it feels like it’s making things worst for me. That’s why listening to yourself is so important.

I always feel-out how easy or difficult it is to move energy at a particular time. How easy is it to shift my thoughts? If anything ever feels too strenuous or taxing, I back off. Then it’s not time. That’s not the way. I look for an easier path. I ask questions like, “What feels like Love right now?” or “Where is Love right now?” There is a time for soothing, a time for smaller work, and a time to do work that propels you upward. All are valuable.

High work doesn’t compel you as much as other types of work. It invites you. It gives you an opportunity for something better, but never tries to convince you to come. It says, “here is this space. you’ll like it here. it’ll feel better. but I won’t drag you here, you have to walk yourself.” High work is Self-compelled and Self-propelled. You have to choose to say yes and choose to follow.

To me, the highest paths are the ones that light up and invite you, but never force you. It’s the ones you follow for no reason. The ones that feel good to you, but you can’t always articulate why.

Other paths Compel you. They are an answer to physical needs or wants like money, success, companionship, or status. They “make sense” in terms of what other people think and what society deems right or normal. They make sense to your logical, intellectual parts.

Higher paths don’t seem to make logical sense to those parts of you, or to anyone watching you from the outside. But they speak to your heart. There is a warmth to them, a sense of magic or right-ness deep within you-even though you can’t figure out why. They guarantee nothing, they promise you nothing. And so following is a choice, a feeling that part of you is coming home on this path. There is only Resonance with your spirit.

There will be many beautiful things gained on this path and by doing High Work, but the focus is never on attainment, only the path. And if focus shifts to attainment and not the path, you’ll stumble back into some old thought-ways and life will reflect to you old patterns and experiences.

And so when the time is right, another opportunity or invitation will come to you to follow the higher path. No guarantees, no promises, only a feeling of “yes”, “rightness”, and resonance with Being.

Over and over this happens, soaring and then sinking. Following and diverging. But it’s all part of a beautiful design. Always soar when you are Able, always lean towards the light. Because distraction is inevitable. The enticement of physical things is inevitable. The physical world will give you endless Reasons to be immersed in it. Lend your thoughts elsewhere when you’re able – – if you choose to be an active participant in the Balance of your life.

Fear and the Unseen

Fear has two sides. The inner world of the person experiencing the fear, and the outside influences appearing “scary”. We often put these two sides together and it becomes known as one thing – fear.

In doing this, we limit our ability to go further through misunderstanding. Think of something that scares you. Try to discern whether it is objectively scary “out there” or is it something inside you that makes it feel scary?

It would be safe to argue that all things that are scary “out there”, originate from a fear “in here”, but we have to push that to the side for now.

For example, if a rabid beast approaches you, one could say that the situation is objectively scary. While getting promoted at work and wanting to run away relates to a fear “in here”.

To approach life with more boldness in your stance and a willingness to say yes although you feel afraid, has to do with working on the “in here” fear response.

There’s the type of fear that makes you want to walk through it even though it’s uncomfortable and the other kind that’s more like, “No for real, you need to RUN.”

Becoming more masterful at which one is which takes getting to know yourself, deeply. Getting adept at the nuances of feeling and a more refined message of what they’re telling you.

Of course there are times I don’t care which fear it is, I’d rather hide. I’d rather not play right now and keep my head down and just exist on autopilot for awhile. So you always want to have two approaches to yourself and your life, one that says “Ok, this is not the time.” and another corresponding response that says, “But I’m keeping my eye on when I DO feel more available and I’m willing to flow with it.”

When I prepare to do a reading I can either feel that, “no way I’m outta here!” or I can feel complete readiness. This never has anything to do with who I’m reading or what the situation is. It has everything to do with my own readiness. My “in here”. As long as in here is stable and steady, I can do just about anything. But if I can feel a shakiness inside, then I know I can’t move forward.

This is why sometimes meditation or inner quietness seems like the most torturous idea. If things are very shaky on the inside, when you quiet the outside and tune in – it can seem like a nightmare. So if you’ve been having a terrible time and emotions are high, meditation is not a good idea. More calming activities can be better. Less Quiet and more Soothing is what you aim for. [Soothing can also include a physical activity that channels your thoughts and gives you temporary piece – like a workout or dancing or cooking. It doesn’t have to be taking baths or listening to Enya.]

Soothing yourself into a place where meditation seems manageable is the key. This can take minutes to months and in some cases years depending on the person.

Every now and then I come across someone that is afraid of getting a reading. To me it doesn’t make sense because I’m only speaking what is already within you. And then I think, people must be afraid of themselves in some way. That there might be a mysterious *something* in there that’s terrible. “Best not to look at it.” And in almost ALL cases, the mysterious something is incredibly beautiful. It’s the Love they’ve denied themselves. It’s their own light warming their spirit.

And then I think, is the mysterious terrible thing…love? Is it self-worth? Is it light? Is it scary to approach those things when we’ve practiced *something else* for so long? Is it because we started to believe that the hardships we experienced were evidence of our unworthiness and now we don’t want to even look in the direction of inner love?

I’d like to speak on behalf of You and tell you that you never did anything wrong. And that the hard things in life had nothing to do with how loved you are. You remained always, then and now, Worthy, Perfect, and Wholly loved just as you are.

Your whole being is like a ship riding the ocean of “life”. You’re the eyes peering out over the waters. And your ship never leaves you. No matter how rocky the waves. It’s just there saying, I got you. It says, we’re strong, we’re steady, we’re loved. We’re in this together. You could ignore those messages of love for years and they wouldn’t change. Your “ship” never forgets you or gives up on you. It’s just a steady, “I got you.”

So when you can distinguish outside fear from “in here” fear, you can look inside and listen. “What am I afraid of?” Get into a place where you feel as happy as you possibly can and look again. Can my inner strength and worthiness rise above this fear? Can I hold steady? Can I feel the part of me that doesn’t know fear? What is the Best part of me saying?

Sometimes people ask whether I get afraid doing readings. What about other people’s energy affecting yours? What about all the unknowns when you’re in that open, “vulnerable” state?

I’ve learned that there is only one thing that is a variable. My own steadiness. Am I holding steady and confident? Am I moving with Flow or am I allowing myself to be affected by other people’s perceptions? Am I allowing my own fears to infiltrate the reading? I have to be ready before and I have to stay steady after as well. It’s all me. The scariest things are my own, not anyone else’s.

I don’t fear the unseen worlds because I know who I am as I step into them.

In times when I don’t know myself, when I haven’t wanted to be with Me, when I don’t feel like talking about love or light, I don’t venture anywhere else.

When I’ve helped others learn to channel, this is the main thing to learn. To know yourself. To know every corner of the inner you and where you feel Best. Know your darkest and lightest parts and let them be. And when you’ve closed your eyes to Who You Are, that’s not the time to channel or explore.

My biggest wish or desire for myself in this world was to help people feel at home within themselves. Because I’ve been to the darkest edges and the highest highs and realized there is nothing Bad within us. And I’d like to say to everyone I meet, “Come on in! The water’s nice!” The waters of the Whole You. Get to know yourself. Find the part of you that holds a light that doesn’t flicker and never goes out.

Reflections of a Reader

At 5 a.m. this morning I opened my eyes and looked at the dark sky outside my window. I felt Awake.

I listened to the quiet and then to the birds begin their morning chattering.

My cat snored softly beside me in bed.

Over the last months I took a step back from channelling. I booked fewer sessions and spent less time tending to my website and online presence. I also stopped my ‘tuning-in’ times. I never really talk about those, but they’re blocks of time I take everyday to tune in and listen. I feel and follow where the feeling of joy and upliftment takes my thoughts.

I imagine what I want to do and how I want to do it. I check in and feel if something or someone is calling me. I send energy out stating my offering to the world and my community (in my imagination space) and I just tune myself.

I felt an update coming, in regards to how I do readings. I felt something changing, but I didn’t have enough space or attention to receive it. I needed to process some things. I needed to be focused in the physical more than before.

When I was ready to start listening again, I felt strange. Did spirit remember be? Had I betrayed myself in staying away so long? Is it okay to come home after ignoring the call for so long?

I knew the answers to these questions and yet it felt difficult. I felt like a fraud to myself. I felt shame.

I knew enough not to identify with these feelings. To do my best to keep navigating through and little by little realign with that fuller stream of energy.

Those uncomfortable feelings always arise when we transition through different perspectives. As we tighten and then widen our lens and back again.

The discomfort [I think] comes from the attachment to the framework of your current perspective. We like to get our bearings as quickly as possible so that we can process our environment and our relationship to it. I love this adaptive quality we have as humans. I love that our minds can quickly and efficiently setup a platform from which we can express into an environment.

I try to be more compassionate now with myself and the process as I shift from being in the very nitty gritty of physical life to being in full conscious reception of spirit.

I enjoyed taking a break from who I was before. I wanted to be new and fresh and express from that space.

One thing I love about channeling is that you can’t fake it. You can’t just grin and bear it, like we do with other things. You have to be ready, willing, and all in.

It’s nice to remember that when I started this, nothing had a name. I didn’t know what to call it. I chose “readings” because it was the best way to describe what I was doing when I initially sat down with someone. And then slowly I started collecting words that seemed to match. Like…Energy. and then, Channeling.

And now having stepped away for awhile and I’m “coming home to myself” again, I can see it with fresh eyes.

It’s Opening. Because when I’m in the world of Things and Doing, my perspective is parallel. I’m looking forward.

In readings, I have to sit down and Open. And my perspective is upward and outward, covering more space and time.

There’s no way to be fully in both and there doesn’t seem to be an appeal. There’s Joy in one perspective and Joy in the other perspective, but part of that joy is in the Change of Perspective.

It’s never about sacrifice, but Relationship. It’s never one over another, but about where they meet and crossover and pivot around each other.

A challenge was set in my life, and maybe all our lives. How do we live as spirit [energy and thought in-motion] and as self-focused, things-oriented humans? It’s that meeting place that seems to always call to me. It’s that relationship that always lights up for me.

I imagine someone holding a scale and on one side there is that ethereal vision into the world of energy, and the other is the sensory vision into the world of matter and the scale just tips back and forth. And it’s not the middle that matters, it’s not perfect balance. It’s the levity and the ease in the back and forth.

I think I needed these last several months to be as unholy as possible. I just needed to be me in the world. I think it’s part of what comes next for me and my offering. Something needed to integrate. And I’m excited for what’s next.

Love and Money: A Story of Healing

A few years back I was sitting crying in my livingroom because I realized something at the very core of my “money problems”.

They weren’t very major, but I always felt like there wasn’t quite enough. Or I couldn’t work hard enough or long enough to get enough.

Interestingly, I also felt very abundant on the inside. Like I had an account full of endless funds and I just couldn’t figure out how to release any of it.

I had been working on changing my mindset and my beliefs. I was budgeting, not spending on anything frivolous, trying to figure this thing out like a Rubik’s cube.

And one day I was sitting, wondering what the heck to try next and it just hit me. It wasn’t about the money, it was about healing.

Somewhere along the line the relationship between me and “my life” was fractured. I didn’t believe in my life, I didn’t trust it. Would good things happen for me? Would my life take care of me?

I didn’t know. It seemed like a gamble. I didn’t love my life and I figured it didn’t love me back. I asked it for things and subconsciously assumed it would ignore me.

And it did.

I wouldn’t look at the good it brought me, because it might take those away if it knew I liked them.

I was in a relationship with my life as though I was mirroring my broken relationship with my parents.

I was treating it the way I knew Love to be.

Love hurts you. Love leaves you. It’s unpredictable. It takes away your happiness. It keeps from you all the good things. And it demands everything you have and everything that you are in return.

I had to heal this relationship with my life. My life wasn’t the one that hurt me. It was just a couple broken people. Life held me and uplifted me as I found my own way.

I thought of how I’d been cared for my whole life by circumstance. Like there was always a presence taking care of me. Making sure things didn’t get so bad that I couldn’t find my way back.

I thought of all the ways my life has been there for me. How I feel that it really did want to support me.

I tried to be brave and imagine that my life really did love me and wanted to treat me well.

I wondered if I could love it back. I started by saying “I’m sorry” that I didn’t trust it for so long. That we were “in a fight” for the better part of my life.

Everyday for a year or so (yes every single day), I sat quietly and felt that Presence around me. Whatever that thing is that breathes me and wakes me up in the morning and makes the stars shine at night.

And I’d think, “Hey! Do you love me? Do you know me?”

And I’d sit and feel for an answer.

And I always got one. It felt like a smile. Like the way you feel just before you smile.

After that time, it was like someone put my whole life into a box and gave it a few good shakes. Everything changed and tumbled to pieces. I was terrified. But it was also so ridiculous that I just kept laughing. I had no choice but to surrender. It forced me to let my life take care of me.

I had no illusion of control anymore. I was just riding the flow.

And every single thing worked out for me…like magic. And it hasn’t stopped since.

It was uncomfortable to feel loved, to let myself be taken care of. It was like a knot inside of me was being untangled and I had to keep remembering that it was okay. It’s okay for good things to happen to you. It’s okay not to struggle.

Life isn’t judging you or keeping score of how good or bad you are or whether you’ve worked hard enough. Love isn’t like that. Love doesn’t have a limit and you don’t have to earn it for it to be there for you. It just is.

This is Divine Love or Universal Love. It’s the unconditional kind.

Sometimes we forget this kind of love because we’ve experienced the human kind of love. It’s good to remember that they’re two different things, though they have the same name.

We love each other through the filters of our own pain or moods or desires. And that’s okay. It’s human.