A Life Unknown

This morning I woke up and remembered this especially delicious cookie and iced coffee I used to get every weekend from a local bakery. And how happy it made me. I would smile the whole drive there, practically whistle as I walked inside, and skip back to my car as I relished in a beautiful weekend morning.

I realized how long it had been since I’d done that. It felt like a different life. I thought about going to get it today, to remember the good. Did they even sell those cookies anymore? Was that bakery still in business?

Which brought me to thinking about…the past. I started imagining how things were before, and began to plan how to get back. Back to the happy times.

And then I realized that there was nothing back there that I needed. Truly. We glorify the past forgetting that we were probably desperate for change when we were ‘back there’. Waiting for better. Waiting for love. For freedom. For more money. For something to make us feel alive, or for some relief from the pressures of life.

I sat up in bed and thought of that again, “There is nothing back there that I need.”

Could it be true? Can I truly let go of the past? (yes) Do I need to remember my past to plan my future, or to follow the path of a new unfolding? (no)

The answer was more clear than it had ever been before. There was nothing back there that I needed. There was nothing to go back to. Nothing lost or taken.

Sometimes we cling to pain or disappointment because at least it makes us feel relevant. Grounded somehow. If I hold my past close to me, if I remember pain, then at least I am somebody. I am in relation to my past. I can be found somewhere on the map of Life.

Because if we let go of Past. If we let go of Pain. Who are we? When I’m not in relation to Who I Was Before…Who am I?

The only thing worst than Pain is the Unknown.

We live in a fear-based society. Our relationships are fear-based, our jobs are fear-based, our view of ourselves and God and the world is fear-based. And when fear abounds, when it becomes so familiar and undeniable, the only response is Control.

We cling to our past because we’ve already made sense of it. We know it. We’ve lived it. We relive our past thousands of times in our minds because it gives us the illusion that we are in control of what was uncontrollable at the time.

It all makes sense in retrospect. So we can forgive the problems, the longing. At least it makes sense now.

It’s better than a scattered present, where it’s difficult to draw connections. Or worse, an unknown future.

But we never escape that nagging feeling that it’s over. There’s nothing back there. There is Here. And here is better, even when it doesn’t look that way. Because Here leads to the freedom of discovery of an unwritten Future.

I remember how much I longed for change and for New back then. I remember how I wanted to feel free and to write the next chapter of my life with fresh ink.

So I’m reminding myself to be brave. That there’s nothing back there that I need. That fresh life and discovery are Now. That life is unfolding Here. And that’s where I choose to be.

Life moves with me and through me and Becomes. Let it be. Let it become. Let it unfold. Let yourself Discover.

How Did I Get Here?

The other day I had a reading that seemed to endlessly flow from me. Whether a reading flows like a clear river or comes out in bursts and stops has everything to do with the individual asking the questions. There isn’t anything more satisfying and glorious than a good question-asker!

What makes it good? Of course there is no right or wrong in a reading, but there is a difference in the robustness of the stream of information coming through depending on the asker.

What makes it robust or ‘good’ is the clarity of the question and the depth of the desire to know the answer. And of course a willingness on their part to receive the answer, but that is ‘a given’ when a question is asked with clarity. It means they are already prepared to receive the answer.

So, in that reading that flowed like a clear river, I remembered part of it that seemed to really Light me up. I wanted to go back and listen to it, to transcribe it and experience it again.

I attempt to edit channeled transcriptions in a way that makes them easier to read, but keeps the overall flow intact. I try to add punctuation, some sentence structure, and omit repeated words [unless it feels like I should leave them].

I thought I would share this, in case it Lights up for anyone and causes a feeling of upliftment, as it did for me.

Q: Who are those spirits, you keep saying guiding, guides, spirits, who’s there?
collective: You could call them angels, although they don’t like to be called angels.
So, when you’re born into this time space, you come from somewhere. And that somewhere, is a state of bliss.
We like to refer to it as a Light Space filled with what you might call white light that feels like love and elevation and togetherness. And in that space, it’s all shared. So all consciousness knows each other and themselves. A space of together. Togetherness. Heba refers to it as Home.
So these readings are an attempt to bridge your Now perspective as you’ve lived a human life with the perspective of your Origin Point before you entered this time-space, where what you knew to your very core was love and connection and togetherness and elevation.
And it was from that perspective that you decided to dive in and have an experience that was Different Than That. And so in these readings, we attempt to create a bridge between the two perspectives of you and give you some relief by letting the Light Space and this space merge for you-or have overlap, so that you can feel some relief.
This space-reality that you’re in has so many real specifics, it feels concrete. But of course, as you go deeper into it, you see that it’s just composed of light and energy. And it’s this human perspective that allows you to perceive it as so real. And that’s a beautiful perspective, because it allows you to have something called a life that has continuity and detail.
But sometimes that life is too real, feels constricting. And so part of you resists that, because you know who-you-are, you know that you’re free. And that all of this is just an experience based in light and energy movement.
So you don’t want to disconnect from the perspective, your human perspective, completely or for too long. But there comes relief, when you remember your origin point or the origin place. And remember that things aren’t actually that serious or that real, but you’re choosing for them to be serious or real, because you intended to have a human experience where you’re immersed in detail.
And so, for you, specifically, when we speak to your spirit, we’re speaking to the consciousness that decided to have a human experience from that very, kind of…angelic lightspace. And then the spirits or guides around you are, you could say, your spirit family, or consciousness that you were extra connected to in that light space.
And so they haven’t materialized with you, but they’re still connected to you. And so they are there to cheer you on, to attempt to give you relief when you seek it. To remember, help you remember that you are Part-Of, you can never be Separate-From and that you are always home.
And so it’s consciousness that has a different perspective than you – a broader perspective. So that when you’re very into your tight, detail oriented human perspective, they can attempt to give you a bit of a broader perspective.
And so they love and care about you and, and, and travel with you and your life. So anytime that you have a moment of relief from burdens, or you see things from a completely new perspective, or something dawns on you that didn’t / wasn’t there before. It’s because you’re softening your perspective, softening your view, a bit, your human view.
And so you allow for some broader view to come in, and it gives you new breath, fresh breath, fresh perspective, new idea. All solutions are already with the problem. And what happens is when someone’s focused on a problem, they’re super zoomed in. And then all invention or spontaneous solution comes from broadening that focus. And the solution that was already there, becomes available to be perceived.
So maybe that was too much, but it was the answer to your question.

i need you.

Have you ever felt at the end of your rope? You’ve tried everything. You don’t know what else to do. Maybe you stopped for a moment and said something like, “I need help. I need you. I need something.”

And you didn’t say it to anyone in particular. Just a call, out into the ethers. “Can anyone help?”

Sometimes it feels like failing. Because you couldn’t do it on your own.

I’m hear to tell you…YOU WERE NEVER MEANT TO. You were absolutely never meant to do everything on your own.

Those moments of prayer or those feelings of giving up, they’re important. You’re recognizing that you don’t have what it takes to do and be everything. And that’s a good thing!

If you think about it, we live in a world – a universe – where everything is taken care of for us. The earth gives us absolutely everything. The air is made for us to breathe, the soil gives us food to eat, our body breathes and functions without any of our conscious involvement. The sun warms us (but not too much) the darkness gives us respite. I could go on endlessly.

So why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? I woke up today and the sun rose on its own. Life was in my body. I didn’t really do anything. The only thing my conscious mind did was…START THINKING.

I thought about getting out of bed, what I would have for breakfast, whether I wanted coffee, which errands to run first. I thought about whether my lover loved me back, which emails I needed to reply to, whether I should deep condition my hair today.

I didn’t give one thought to all that allows us to even have a life, to exist, to live on this planet.

We’re meant to be a bit…ya know…self-centered. We’re so self-centered that when things go wrong, when we can’t control things around us, we think that we have failed.

But what the hek were we controlling anyway?

That feeling of failure is defined, “Oh, I just realized I can’t control all aspects of my life from the perspective of singular focus. It takes more than the perspective I’m in right now to soothe or rectify this situation.

I would call that clarity…genius even! Giving up is realizing the perspective through which you’re seeing things needs to be adjusted. Prayer is the action that follows that understanding. “I can’t do this alone and I know that I am not alone. I allow myself to open up to that which aids me and uplifts my situation.”

There is a breath of life that flows through all things, people, and endeavors. Life takes participation and surrender to be at peak satisfaction for us. Too much participation without surrender to the larger self, and we feel stuck, stifled, hopeless. Too much surrender and life lacks definition and purpose.

We are in an eternal interplay between polarities. So…give yourself a break. You’re doing it right. When you notice something isn’t working, YOU’RE RIGHT. Ask yourself, am I too involved or not involved enough? Do I need to focus more, or relax a bit more? And then just try it out. This is a place of experimentation and play.

When you say that prayer, “I need help, I need someone. I need you.” know that you are a genius. You know how this universe works even when you think that you don’t. We have the ability to shift perspective from singular focus to multitude focus. Here are the attributes of each:

Singular focus is very specifically oriented. It can drill down into great detail, vivid color, solid form. It helps us see the world as concrete. Objects and events have concrete relationships to each other. Here, we feel small but well-defined. We have well-defined boundaries and personality.

Multitude focus is softer. It says, ‘I am not a singular person seeking to have impact on a large world. I am a wave of person, composed of many parts. All of those parts that I am carry the wisdom I need, when I need it. I open up to that variety of wisdom and vision. I let the parts of myself awaken that are best suited for the situation at hand.’

When we pray we are intending to open ourselves up to More. To let in more vision, more consciousness. We say, ‘this single-minded perspective is no longer suitable right now. I open myself up to my multi-consciousness self. There I feel full, I feel strong and broad, I recognize that I am much more than my personality.’

Perhaps we could call this the ‘ego’. But there is nothing wrong with that ego self, that detail oriented, single-minded personality self. It’s all about recognizing when it’s not a helpful viewpoint “right now”.

The next time you whisper, “help” or “I need”, know that you are being heard. Of course you are. More than anything you are powerfully initiating an intention. You are a vast, powerful being. And it only takes an intention to provide aid for you, to change direction. Embrace your intention. “I intend to relax into the wave that is me. I am held by all that is and all my needs are heard and received. I open up to greater vision. I let myself by taken care of. I see the evidence of that, even in the smallest of things.”

Learn to be okay with the changing of perspectives. We aren’t set off trying to obtain a perfect life and then never change course again. We are practicing the mastery of human and earthly variety. Mastery of movement. Of listening to our impulses, knowing when to step forward and when to stay steady…and going against our own knowing sometimes too – just for the fun of it!

You are a wild creature. Fearless, bold, and free. You dive deep into all kinds of mess and sorrow and rebound again, because you know that you can. Deep down you know there is only well-being, and there’s nowhere that you can go where the source-of-you won’t catch you.

Running Light

Sometimes [always] when I’m in an altered state or trance and doing a reading for someone, I use phrases or terms that I haven’t heard before but they feel right. They’re a perfect description of what I’m trying to express.

The other day I used the term “running light” with a dear friend. Later, she asked me about it.

Running light is the practice of moving life energy. In this context I see it as what Chinese medicine refers to as Qi [Chi], or Prana in Vedic texts.

Looking at the movement of energy from a broader view, I have to describe or give words to what I’m seeing. I would describe “Light” as an unobstructed, energetic flow that follows intention. It feels like life in motion.

So often times the remedy to an ailment or problem, from that perspective, is allowing that energetic flow to penetrate areas of stagnation or darkness. (Darkness in this context refers to areas where attention isn’t flowing in a constructive way.)

I absolutely love “running light”. And it seems to find its way into almost every reading that I do, described in one way or another.

The first time I really saw that life energy was in Kirtan. I could see it rise and fall, move around the room, take on different colors and frequencies.

You can see it too, or at least feel it. When you look at someone and they seem really vibrant and happy, or when someone seems to feel far away even if they’re right in front of you. You’re feeling how much life energy they’re flowing at that moment. You feel it in yourself when you’re energetic and excited and you feel the lack of it when you’re sluggish or feeling down.

To ‘run light’ or stimulate the flow of life energy, I start by closing my eyes. It’s best to start by doing this laying down or seated. Especially if you haven’t tried it before.

I close my eyes and relax. I think of something uplifting, like the way my cats look when they’re sleeping. Find something really easy to feel good about, something simple. Smile if you feel compelled to.

Relax your body, from head to toe…and then back up again. When you’re feeling GOOD, look with your eyes closed. You can see shades of black and gray, maybe some remnants of light drifting through your closed eyelids. Notice the vastness of what you see with your eyes closed. There are no walls or edges or boundaries, just space.

What seem like nonsensical words are really just leading you to a space of peace, a further state of relaxation. Away from the part of your mind that tries to make concrete sense of everything.

Did you get there? Even for a moment? The space between thoughts. You’ll want to become familiar with that quiet, peaceful place. Regular meditation helps awaken and amplify that space for you.

Now, feeling GOOD and relaxed and not so attached to concrete thought, feel your body. Not with your hands – with your mind. Feel its presence. Feel how the boundaries of your body are more fuzzy when your eyes are closed.

Feel how it vibrates with life. When I close my eyes and tune into my body, I feel Energetic Movement. Like my whole body is busy doing things. And it is! I find it fascinating that tuning into your body can help you relax when you want to relax, and can help you get really revved up and energetic if that’s your intention.

Having drifted a little further away from concrete thinking, begin to imagine a white, or yellowish gold light around your body. It does not matter whether you feel like you’re “making it up”. Go ahead and make it up. Imagine. What would a warm, glowing light look like around your body?

Imagine it like a sun ray diffused through a sheer window curtain. Take some time to just play around with this idea of seeing light energy. Shape it how you want to. Shape it in a way that feels GOOD.

Get to know your description of that light. What is looks like, what it feels like, maybe even if it has a sound or smell associated with it.

Scan your body and feel if some areas feel more “awake” than others. Don’t worry about being right or wrong. Don’t think too hard about the question. Just ask it and relax. Notice what you notice.

As you continue to engage in these types of practices, you tune yourself to the well-being of your larger body. You develop a sense about yourself that is just beyond the five senses.

Getting attuned to this sense, it’s easier and more rewarding to play with energy. It’s important to be sensitive, to listen, to focus. There is an important balance between taking something seriously [applying specific and dedicated focus and attention] and being light-hearted and easy. Never getting dogmatic. Never sacrificing peace or well-being. Always relieving tension with laughter.

I go into any practice with Intention. It varies slightly, but always begins the same, and with the same core. To connect with the highest, the most loving, the most full of light. Understanding that it’s up to me to reach for the highest and what I experience is always a reflection of how high I was able to reach.

My intention always includes the highest well-being and benefit to all involved. And with intentions set, I tap into that energy that looks like Light and feels like Life. I let myself vibrate along with it, syncing up with its frequency [how it feels]. It should always feel so good. So lovely. So warm and uplifting.

I flow that energy over my body, into areas that feel like they need upliftment. Into areas of my life that I would like more clarity. I think about people that I care about, or just anyone that pops into my head and I imagine them smiling and laughing. I imagine them immersed in light and feeling really GOOD.

This, generally speaking, is Running Light.

What do you think? What are your experiences with moving life energy / life force?

Catching My Breath

This morning I had a burst of fresh energy flow through me and I grabbed onto it and ran!

I feel as though every time I get my head out from under water, another wave comes through and I’m clawing around trying to find my breath.

I remember in the past when I would go through the ebb and flow of inspiration and weariness. It was a soft flow. It seemed to take weeks or months before I would need to be re-inspired.

Lately, it feels like it’s moving so quickly. I reach for the light and so soon after, it’s faded again. And off I go, chasing after it. There doesn’t seem to be time to slack off, or to hit the autopilot or cruise button.

I’ve felt that since the very beginning of this new time that we’re in. There’s less space for living with my eyes closed. I’m shaken awake constantly, and it’s a bit exhausting.

There’s that flow of life, that current that feels so good when you’re in it and so horrible when you aren’t. It’s moving faster than ever before and seems to demand more commitment, more focus. Like trying to hitch a ride on a roller coaster that’s gaining speed.

A couple of days ago I felt so weary; I was dragging around my body like dead weight. It felt strange, like I was so energetic and at once completely drained. I was standing in the metaphorical dark and couldn’t remember how to do this whole…”life” thing.

And I remembered something that is the single most important thing I’ve ever discovered. It seeped into my awareness as it always does, just when I need it most.

Light never stops moving. It never stops expanding. And when you travel with light (i.e. that flow of life that feels ALIVE), you also can’t stop moving. It becomes so apparent when the light has left you behind, because everything feels stale and heavy.

And all you have to do is remember, remember that the Light is where your breath is. And you want to follow it like a scavenger hunt or a game of tag. Always on its heels. It replenishes your entire being. It takes you to where you want to go.

The best part is that it’s easy to find, no matter how long you’ve been wandering around in the shadows. Just an intention. An intention to awaken. To allow yourself to Follow where it’s gone.

It’s moving so fast these days that I don’t realize sometimes when it’s gone. I have to recalibrate so much more frequently, sometimes more than once a day. Something about this Time that we’re in is rushing forward. Speeding ahead. Saying Run! or Fall Behind.

So if you feel like you’ve been coming out of the dark only to plunge back in again, you’re doing it right. Keep going. We’re all acclimating to this new speed. And it will get easier. Just keep following the light. Sleep extra if you need to. Uplift yourself often, constantly. And give yourself plenty of grace.

When you feel a bit of light coming through, a new idea, a feeling of upliftment…grab hold! And don’t worry if it slips away again. See it as a reminder to keep going, there are such beautiful, bright days ahead.

Here’s my mantra for today:

I worry not, dwelling in the shadows, because the breath of life illuminates my entire being. The darkness helps me to find the light, ever moving, ever growing. I close my eyes and I remember…Light, Warmth. I call to the light by remembering it. And speedily, we are reunited. All is renewed and refreshed. I revel in this feeling. I am gratitude. I am fearless. I am a follower of light, a weaver of light. There is nowhere to go that is too far from the Light. Because there is nowhere to go that is outside of Home and Together. I cannot be separate. And only a word unites me with breath.