Balance of Definitive States

We all seem to ask ourselves that question, “What can I learn from this?”, when life presents things that make us uncomfortable. Often, there are many things that we can take from life’s “lessons”. Though I like to look at them more like, You trying to show You something. A better way of looking at things, an easier approach, or something that causes you to reach higher and claim the part of you that has evolved.

I’m going through one of those periods right now. They come around often, but some are more activating than others. Some come over you like a rogue wave in a steady ocean. Taking you for a ride you didn’t see coming.

One thing remains constant in every “lesson” or presentation that life reveals. It compels you to see yourself. For your foundation to come forward, all parts of you become magnified. The parts that fear, the parts that hope. The darkest beliefs and your deepest resilience. You step forward to meet the waves of life and you get to know yourself in how you react.

Who am I? What do I believe? What do I turn to when I can’t feel ground beneath my toes? What steadies me, is it anger or hope? Or both? And later, who do I want to be? How do I want to respond to The Uncomfortable?

One lesson that seems apparent for me right now is one of tempering. Not tempering extremes, but feeling out the middle way between definitive states.

I employed so many safety measures to “deal with life”, as we all do. I’ve had to let go of these as my understanding has deepened and my ability to choose who I am has become more accessible. One of these safety measures was ignoring the middle ground, the process, the step-by-step. I didn’t like in-betweens or transitions. Even dusk and dawn caused me anxiety. Not quite night and not quite daytime.

Now, I stand outside at those times of natural transition and I breathe. I feel the shift and let myself flow with the change. It’s okay. Old energies fade away, new awareness steps forward.

Here again, I find myself directed to step into the middle way. The undecided place. Where it’s not about life or death, it’s about a journey. Not blazing forward into life or releasing into death, but walking the path of ‘figuring things out‘. Taking it step by step.

We’re quick to make a prognosis or to want a prognosis. “Just give it to me straight.” Hurrying to find out whether something is alive or over. Hurrying so we can settle into place emotionally. But what about that in-between place? What if we step off the fast track to finalities and walk a bit into the place where things are getting reorganized?

In all my travels, I haven’t ventured there purposefully. I feel myself called there now: the uncomfortable place.

I feel called to rename it. The place of peaceful unfolding. The place of possibility. The place of gentle movement. Where things aren’t defined by an outcome, but shaped by what you do and who you are as you walk down that slower path.

And I find myself willing. Willing to walk slow. Willing to not need or demand, but ask and listen the best that I can. Not to be desperate for outcome, but willing to be with the journey. Step-by-step. To replace my pain with something new. Understanding maybe. Connection maybe.

This takes a different kind of strength. The strength to walk slow and sure. Slow and steady. Willing and available for love to intervene. Face pointed upward, letting the waves of light softly do their work.

A different kind of healing. One that hovers softly in the in-between space.

One that takes a different kind of strength.

And I am willing.

Speaking from Spirit

What happens when doubt dissipates?

Do you know what it is I do? I sit with people and I enter a very relaxed place, an altered state. I let truth flow outward to the person across from me.

One of the very first hurdles I had to cross over was Doubt. Am I getting the right message? Am I relaxed enough? Am I saying the right thing? Are they feeling okay?

And you can’t get a clear message when doubt is present. Instead of feeling a steady, clear wave, it would feel scrambled and wobbly-unsure of itself.

I had the best reason in the world to become practiced at Sureness. I wanted to honor this work, to deliver something true and loving and steady.

I like the word Sure. It’s different than confident. Sure is present in this moment. Present in my body, Knowing in how I move and what I am doing.

Confidence is moving forward because you trust in your judgement and acknowledge your self-worth. In Sureness, I allow myself to connect in the most clear way. I trust in my ability to Discern. I lock into a place of Clarity and I let it flow without judgement.

What comes out of me then feels Just Right. It feels like it knows itself. It’s not worried about how it sounds, it’s only concerned with speaking truth.

I wanted to write about this because the other day, I heard some words escape my mouth and they felt so good. The place they came from felt familiar. I felt like I’d been there before.

It was the place of Being in Love. Those ‘corny’ or poetic things we say when we’re in love. But in the moment, they feel just right. Spontaneous. Like they erupted straight from that place of adoration or connection with another.

We knew them to be Absolute Truth in that moment. “You have the most beautiful eyes.” In that moment, it is a statement of fact. Springing forth from your love.

When I sit with someone, I reflect back to them how they are seen by All That Is. Spirit is one name I use to refer to that massive consciousness. I reflect back how their whole self sees them, how Spirit sees them. And often times, it sounds like a love letter.

It sounds like they are seen from a place of being in love. As though that place exists whether or not you are currently ‘in love’ with a person. And maybe falling in love denotes the journey you make to that space.

The kind of journey where you pack nothing, in fact, you drop off some things to make the trip. You let go, you give in. You allow yourself to become soft and willing and float your way to Being in Love.

I dare say this place exists. And it can be traveled to at anytime, whether you have a lover or not. You float into it sometimes in meditation, or playing an instrument, or dancing, or singing.

Speaking from that place of Love feels like speaking the most definitive, sure, true and unaltered words I’ve ever spoken. They are fact. How much you are loved and adored by All That is, is fact. And there is no greater exhilaration than reflecting that love back to you.

I wanted to sit with this. How can I speak that way more often in my daily life? To speak words without judgement that are the most true. To see you (all of you) with the eyes of the whole and feel the joy that arises within me. To be unafraid to speak from that most loving space.

An invitation for you as well to find this loving space in the every day. To allow your lips to part and spontaneously give words to that love. Surprise yourself. It might be what you most need to hear, as well as the person across from you.

With Love,


Gentle Self-Healing

A technique to assist with headaches, minor aches and pains, and some emotional distress.

I do not discount any type of medicine or healer. I believe it’s good to be informed before taking any medication, knowing the pros and cons. I believe in a holistic approach to ailment relief; to let yourself be moved intuitively towards what feels right. I have no medical training of any kind, my medium is one of intuition, spirit, and connection.

I wanted to write that disclaimer above, not only as to not mislead people, but also because all healing is self-healing. There is immense value in getting to know yourself, your own energy landscape. I believe in moving towards treatment that feels like it could help. And trusting your inner guidance. One’s own belief in whether something will work or not, trumps all else.

I used to say things like: “Whatever, I don’t think it’ll work but I’ll try it”. Underneath those words, I felt hopeful that it would work, but I didn’t want to be attached to the outcome. There is a bit of alchemy to that, feeling positive but detached. Though sometimes it’s better to be direct, “I seek relief and know that relief will come to me”.

It’s most important to feel out where you are, on the inside. How much are you ready to accept relief? We all follow that path from doubt to deep knowing. Relax into the deep knowing as much as you can, and adjust your words accordingly. Update them often.

Get to know yourself through meditation. It doesn’t have to be formal, strict meditation. Anything that helps you relax and calm your mind. Ideally, your eyes are closed. Spend time cultivating your meditation practice.

After some time, you’ll be able to do ‘work’ in that meditative space. Below is one type of such ‘work’. This comes once you’ve gotten to know your inner landscape. Then you can start to consciously move your energy.

Come into a meditative space. Keep your eyes closed. Now, move your attention to different parts of your body and feel how that part of your body responds. Notice temperature changes, tension or release, any sensations. Do this often, soon the movement and response will become extremely clear and discerned.

As you become accustomed to and practiced in this, bring your attention to a part of your body and feel an emotion. For example, sadness. Feel how your body responds to that feeling as it’s focused in that area. (Do not spend more than a couple seconds at most in the negative emotions.)

Now try a different emotion, feel as happy as possible-still directing your attention to that part of your body. Can you notice a difference? Did you feel your body respond differently depending on the emotion?

If not, try to spend a little longer focusing that emotion on that specific part of the body. Try positive emotions for longer stints of focus. See the variation between simple joy and passion, for example. The fun of chatting with a neighbor in comparison to swooning over someone who makes you feel tingly.

Negative emotion causes the body to constrict, to feel less clear and more confused. Positive emotion causes a release, a relaxing, a sense of flow and order. The intensity of the response depends on the intensity of emotion.

If one is currently experiencing discomfort, it can be difficult to send attention to that part of the body and practice positive emotion. The physical pain can be too distracting.

But here’s a very easy practice to move through the physical discomfort. (Depending on the severity of the pain, the pain will dissipate all together or at least be reduced.) Acknowledge the pain, state it aloud if you like. With your eyes still closed, focus into your attention. Which means, focus into the part of you that is able to shift your attention.

If you can’t tune in, try to practice moving your attention first. Think of your arm and move your attention there. Your elbow, now your knee, your right pinky toe. Feel how something seems to be moving along with you. Attention + Energy Flow.

Now, take that awareness (that focusing into your attention) and move it into the area of discomfort. Flow into the discomfort. Do not avoid the discomfort, but seep into it. Go inside of it as though it is fog on a country road. Drive into that fog with your awareness. Breathe here, stay here, Aware. You will feel the discomfort begin to fade.

Let it happen. Do not be attached to the discomfort. Don’t take ownership of it. Do not identify with the discomfort. Let it pass away like a morning fog. Like a drifting cloud overhead.

As the pain dissipates, stay focused. Focus on your awareness hovering in that area. Just observe softly, with out judgement. Be with yourself.

Slowly let your focus soften and disperse. Relax into your body. Breathe. Allow joyful images come to you. Recall something that made you smile. I often think of my cats sleeping or my sister laughing. Something simple.

Think of as many of these images as you can. Allowing them to flutter through like a roladex. Smile.

When you’re ready, softly bring yourself out of meditation. No need to think about the pain you felt before. No need to even think about the relief you now feel, just go about your day.

I’ve found this also helps with emotional “haze” or mild distress. Once you’ve practiced this, you can do it “on the go”. If you’re in the middle of your day and feel off in some way, go into the ‘offness’. Swim into it with your awareness. It will dissipate. Cap off the experience with some appreciative thoughts, noticing something positive around you and smiling.

If you continue to think the thoughts that brought pain in the first place, it may return. But if the source of the disturbance is gone, so is this residual discomfort. You can do this exercise as many times as you like, especially for recurring pain in the same area. It will dissipate completely over time or the true source of it will become known to you.

This has worked for me every time. Sometimes it’s so easy that I am reluctant to do it! (Humans are so strange.) Do not avoid your own relief. There is no need to suffer. Just ask, what did I want to tell myself? Often times, you already got the message, but forgot to let go of the pain.

In cases of severe physical or emotional pain, this will help too. Often, several approaches may be helpful. It depends on willingness, beliefs, and how ‘used to’ the pain one has gotten. (Please seek the help of a medical professional first for severe physical or emotional distress.)

I am a very big advocate for using all resources available. Trust your instincts. Do not let yourself suffer any longer than necessary. Use tools that aid in your relief, but do not cause future problems for you.

If you feel the need to take a headache relief pill, go ahead and take it. But also try this technique. Combine mainstream western medicine with this practice of meditative healing if you feel called to. The point is greater understanding, deeper connection, having more resources to use. One day you’ll feel called to just try the meditative healing and it will work. And a profound joy and satisfaction will come from that.

This type of healing is one of many. As this is just a tiny bit of knowledge about this technique. Many have written about it extensively and used exaggerated versions to heal all stages and severity of disease.

It is not my calling to go into such detail, but I do encourage you to do some research if you’re intrigued. There are amazing studies on meditation, hypnosis, and self healing.

It was my intention to give you something to try, something gentle and effective to help you live a happier life. The practices I’ve outlined here are some of my most favorite. If you have any questions, let me know!

With love,


The Gentle

My sister and I got these Tao Oracle cards what seems like a million years ago. They are so beautifully illustrated. The titles of the cards always stick with me as well: “The Gentle”, “The Taming Power of the Great”, “The Taming Power of the Small”.

I always remember the image and the title on the card. I’ll see one of them pop into my mind when I’m reflecting on something in my life.

I remember very turbulent times in my adult life when I would pull the card, “The Gentle”, over and over from the deck. It seemed absurd. How could I be gentle when everything seemed so chaotic and charged?

So I would meditate on this idea. The power of being gentle. Of a gentle approach. There seemed to be a wisdom inside of it that I felt, but didn’t understand.

I backed off everywhere I was being forceful. I leaned back a little every time I felt like I wanted to burst forward. I brought in the idea of being gentle when I was in a situation that felt especially charged. I started to understand it more, this gentleness.

In a way, I suppose, being gentle allowed me to realign with my higher knowing. To swim back into the space where my soul resides. It removed me from the position of ineffectual hard control over life to a higher, more helpful perspective. A bit of surrender. The allowing of Love to illuminate a situation.

Yesterday, I felt frustrated with someone. I kept trying to reason my way out of it. It was almost time for my daily meditation and I didn’t want to take him with me there.

But I ran out of time, and I began my meditation with that annoyance tugging at me. Just breathe Heba, it’s not even a big deal. Don’t take it personally, find love in it. Hm, that didn’t work. I felt off. I felt frustrated with my inability to let it go.

Maybe spirit will help explain to me…(maybe spirit will take my side and agree that he’s a poophead). But I knew how this worked. The answer would very annoyingly be loving. But I didn’t know how, or which way it would be approached.

I let go more and more, as best I could. I listened to the ocean sounds I had playing on my meditation app. I imagined standing with my feet in the ocean, looking out at the waves far out into the distance. The air smelled salty. The breeze grazed my face and tumbled into my hair.

Mm, this was better.

Suddenly, I saw his face appear into my mindscape. A whole sequence of images came in a flash. I was smiling at him, showing him my work. I showed him how I like to shine light and where I draw it from. He looked back at me, listening. I held my hand over his chest and smiled again. I saw light trails running along his body.

I saw him the way I see people while I’m in trance or reading intuitively. When my personal judgement and opinions go away. They take a backseat somewhere; I feel a shift when it happens. All my focus goes into one direction, and the person in front of me starts to look like a cloud of waves and light.

This is my most sacred connection space. Most vulnerable, most joyful…and I couldn’t believe they’d brought him there. It wasn’t for his healing, it was for my own. Learning to stay steady in the light even when I feel inclined to turn away.

Seeing him in that space changed everything. I couldn’t relate to how I felt before. Because now he was a vast person, an expansive cloud of consciousness. He was more than could ever be defined in a single moment, or even in a single lifetime. And I was the same.

It made me think of something I’d read years ago. When you most want to close off your heart space is when you most need to open it wider than ever before. It takes courage, but once you realize how powerful of a being you are, you no longer need to hide behind darkness for safety.

It’s amazing how such a gentle, soft shift in perspective can change everything. It can make the person in front of you a monster or a friend. Troublesome or innocent.

A reminder from Spirit to turn towards the light whether the darkness is small or great. That there is a strength within us that surpasses fear, and eclipses even the most painful blows to our ego.

The Game of Life

Yesterday I gathered with a couple friends to catch up. As the evening wore on, we ended up creating and playing a game. (I didn’t have a hand in the creation of it, only in the enthusiasm to play!)

There were 5 buckets, from short to tall lined up one behind the other. A sixth bucket was over to the side of the line up – the final bucket to score in and win the game. We used crushed cans to aim into the buckets.

You had to go in order, from first to sixth, making each ‘basket’ to win the game. We had a lot of fun playing, cheering each other on, and giving each other tips for better aim.

I’ve been thinking all morning about the fun we had and about what I learned during the game. My friend Holly kept telling me about follow-through. And how to step my foot forward. She kept talking about how my body was a line-staying in line with where you want the can to go.

Every time my throw was extra wobbly or off track, she’d say something about it spinning the wrong way. My hand turned right at the end, or I released the can too early or too late.

I’d heard these things before, I remembered. Frisbee, bowling, corn-hole.  Someone would say something about follow-through.

I listened closely to her, I tried to understand what she meant. It didn’t come naturally to me. The follow through with my arm felt unnatural, but satisfying in a strange way. She said that follow-through keeps the momentum.

Of course we couldn’t help but notice how her tips about throwing related to life. And at the end of playing this game for hours, I learned these things: Focus, intention, follow-through, steadiness, and more focus.

It was remarkable how throwing a crushed can into a bucket became such a revelatory experience. As I stood there, can in hand, the task seemed impossible. How was I supposed to make this happen? How does anyone make this happen? Heaving something into the air and then somehow it’s supposed to magically land into a basket??

Logically of course, I knew it wasn’t that special. It was physics. It wasn’t a big deal. I saw my friend Billy toss the cans with an effortless throw and they would easily sink into wherever he aimed.

But standing there, it felt impossible. My first few throws brought back memories of some past version of me. The one that “couldn’t do it”. Really, she didn’t want to try. It felt like my body didn’t work that way. Once I started weight lifting, training, running – I realized that my body could do anything. Three months of ‘quarantine’ had given way to that disconnected me. The one that didn’t want to connect the dots.

I thought, okay, if I just keep doing this enough times, I’ll eventually know how to get it in. There was truth in that, my body was getting accustomed to what I was doing with every throw. But there was Holly, guiding me with her words. I was doubtful, what difference would follow-through make? Releasing the can at the right time? It seemed arbitrary.

And yet, I listened and completely detached from the idea of it working (just trying to do what she said and feeling silly about it) and the can went into the bucket! I was shocked. I was empowered. I was motivated to understand, to get this right.

So I took my turn again and stood, looking at my targets. I realized I had to focus. I had to tune everything out except my objective. I looked at the first bucket and I zoomed in with my attention. I felt around it with my eyes. I imagined something flying into the bucket and landing. I felt the distance between us and the trajectory the can would have to follow to meet its aim.

Okay, that helped. I got that part. So I threw my can. It landed far off target. “You didn’t follow through.” Holly would say. Or, ‘you were in line but you put too much into it (or not enough)’.

Hm, so my focus, attention, and visualizing was only part of the puzzle. My body had to link up with my mind. It was like all the parts of me had to understand each other. All with the same goal.

I got a little better. Still right before releasing I would lose focus, or not pay attention to which way my hand was turned.

More focus, more follow through, more holistic attention of my body and mind. Too much focus of my mind on the goal and I would lose connection with my body. Being too much in my body and I would have a nice throw, but not hit the target.

The sun set and we continued playing into the darkness. We were determined to finish this round-someone would have to sink that last basket. The sixth and final bucket in the line up. A terracotta planter that was rapidly becoming almost impossible to see in the darkness. “Just throwing into a dark void.”

We stayed committed. Desperately waiting for someone to end the game. And eventually, before we all gave up, a can flew into the dark air and landed into the planter with a satisfying thud.

We couldn’t believe it! We ran over to make sure it went in, it did! We high-fived all around and rejoiced. Billy said a weight had been lifted once we realized it went in, we were free. We had done the seemingly impossible. Dunked crushed cans into far away assorted buckets and planters in the darkness of night.

On the drive home I kept smiling, thinking about the fun we’d had. I thought about the intimate mind-space I tuned into, as I zoomed in on the bucket and felt into the objective of my can landing inside of it.

The last basket I made, I had adjusted my hand so that it wasn’t spinning the can right before I released it. I felt how everything was in line then. I was focused, I felt into my objective, I stood in absolute presence, I linked my mind with my body’s movements. It felt sure. Like everything was connected in one crystallized, fluid moment.

I thought about Holly’s words and how they made so much sense. Her tips were helping me to undo my distraction, my own contorting of my knowing. I seemed to sabotage myself in my defiance of focus.

Part of me resisted all the parts of me syncing up. Or lending my absolute focus to a task, especially to completion. I wanted to have bad form and make the basket anyway. I wanted to not really try. I felt shame in the trying. Shame in having good form. Shame in tuning into my objective with such undistracted determination.

Every time, I felt this little flutter of disbelief. A little whisper to give up, to not try and just laugh it off, or that it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter.

But it felt like it did matter. I wanted it to. I wanted to hold steady in my intention. I wanted to stand in that sweet spot of focus and follow through and feel my Being vibrate with absolute clarity.

I wondered in what areas of my life I listened to that disbelief. Where is it that I lose focus right before release? Where is it that I give way to haziness instead of clarity?

Life is much like a made up (albeit amazing) game of crushed cans and buckets. None of it really matters and yet, it matters so much. Every moment we get to stand in absolute presence and clarity of intention. Using our attention like a magical tool to hone in on our objective.

Although making the goal was exciting, it was standing there ‘at the plate’ preparing to throw my can that kept me engaged. The endless trying to get it right. Tweaking and readjusting and playing with attention and mind-body connection every time.

Is that what we’re here for? This practice in the alchemy of focus, attention, connection, and follow-through?

It’s as though life sets up endless made-up games for us to play. Some with higher stakes than others. Sometimes it’s a familiar game and sometimes it seems impossible. But the process seems the same. You step up to the plate. Assess. Focus. Hone in. Know your objective. Prepare your stance. Listen. Connect all the parts of you in knowing your objective and…give it a shot.