A few years back I was sitting crying in my livingroom because I realized something at the very core of my “money problems”.
They weren’t very major, but I always felt like there wasn’t quite enough. Or I couldn’t work hard enough or long enough to get enough.
Interestingly, I also felt very abundant on the inside. Like I had an account full of endless funds and I just couldn’t figure out how to release any of it.
I had been working on changing my mindset and my beliefs. I was budgeting, not spending on anything frivolous, trying to figure this thing out like a Rubik’s cube.
And one day I was sitting, wondering what the heck to try next and it just hit me. It wasn’t about the money, it was about healing.
Somewhere along the line the relationship between me and “my life” was fractured. I didn’t believe in my life, I didn’t trust it. Would good things happen for me? Would my life take care of me?
I didn’t know. It seemed like a gamble. I didn’t love my life and I figured it didn’t love me back. I asked it for things and subconsciously assumed it would ignore me.
And it did.
I wouldn’t look at the good it brought me, because it might take those away if it knew I liked them.
I was in a relationship with my life as though I was mirroring my broken relationship with my parents.
I was treating it the way I knew Love to be.
Love hurts you. Love leaves you. It’s unpredictable. It takes away your happiness. It keeps from you all the good things. And it demands everything you have and everything that you are in return.
I had to heal this relationship with my life. My life wasn’t the one that hurt me. It was just a couple broken people. Life held me and uplifted me as I found my own way.
I thought of how I’d been cared for my whole life by circumstance. Like there was always a presence taking care of me. Making sure things didn’t get so bad that I couldn’t find my way back.
I thought of all the ways my life has been there for me. How I feel that it really did want to support me.
I tried to be brave and imagine that my life really did love me and wanted to treat me well.
I wondered if I could love it back. I started by saying “I’m sorry” that I didn’t trust it for so long. That we were “in a fight” for the better part of my life.
Everyday for a year or so (yes every single day), I sat quietly and felt that Presence around me. Whatever that thing is that breathes me and wakes me up in the morning and makes the stars shine at night.
And I’d think, “Hey! Do you love me? Do you know me?”
And I’d sit and feel for an answer.
And I always got one. It felt like a smile. Like the way you feel just before you smile.
After that time, it was like someone put my whole life into a box and gave it a few good shakes. Everything changed and tumbled to pieces. I was terrified. But it was also so ridiculous that I just kept laughing. I had no choice but to surrender. It forced me to let my life take care of me.
I had no illusion of control anymore. I was just riding the flow.
And every single thing worked out for me…like magic. And it hasn’t stopped since.
It was uncomfortable to feel loved, to let myself be taken care of. It was like a knot inside of me was being untangled and I had to keep remembering that it was okay. It’s okay for good things to happen to you. It’s okay not to struggle.
Life isn’t judging you or keeping score of how good or bad you are or whether you’ve worked hard enough. Love isn’t like that. Love doesn’t have a limit and you don’t have to earn it for it to be there for you. It just is.
This is Divine Love or Universal Love. It’s the unconditional kind.
Sometimes we forget this kind of love because we’ve experienced the human kind of love. It’s good to remember that they’re two different things, though they have the same name.
We love each other through the filters of our own pain or moods or desires. And that’s okay. It’s human.
Love: 