Deep Acceptance

I usually write blog posts after an idea has fully integrated for me. I wait to see what happens; I wait to see how I feel.

This evening, I’m inspired to write in real-time. I’m pulling this idea in, letting my body and my mind swirl into the vibration that it carries.

Maybe you can relate…I’ve grown up thinking that my natural way of being is incorrect.

I was “good in school”, but I hated it.

I loved learning, I loved words and reading and writing. I loved the infinite seeming worlds that math and science and language opened up to be explored.

I hated the rules and the busy work. I didn’t like doing something “just because”, when it obviously had no value. I didn’t like waking up early or being herded around with no power to choose for myself.

I couldn’t wait to get out, into the world. And once I got there, I was more free. Yet there were still so many rules, pointless work, and the herding of the masses.

I always wanted to dream. I liked to play outside alone, or way upstairs in a big closet with slanted walls. I would make up stories, I would write poems, I would animate every blade of grass or rock or insect that I found.

As I got older, I liked the freedom of skipping school and going to sit in nature. To walk around town feeling free and curious, eating whatever and whenever I wanted.

I just wanted peace and happiness. To smile, to play, to rest.

And life kept saying no.

No, there’s no time to rest it’s time for school. There’s no reason to smile, in a house full of sadness. There’s no one to play with and no rest in the constant mixture of violence and isolation.

And as I got older, there’s only time to work. To heal from the past. To get myself together.

I worked. I healed. I got myself together.

And I was lost.

I thought, I never got to play. To dream. To walk around and animate the trees and leaves and write poetry.

I was an expert at not being myself. I learned to live as an imposter, and I was an expert in my field.

One day, as I had the opportunity to start over, I tried to live as myself. To find the natural impulse of me, somewhere inside the imposter.

Beneath the duty bound, money bound, image bound shell there was a me that never changed. Could I find her?

Yes, easily. Everything we’re ever searching for is Right Here. Within our hearts. Never corrupted by life, never changed, always pure and steady.

I had an immense fear of Doing Nothing. That if I let myself, I would never do anything again. I would rot away on a couch, unmoving. And I would be nothing.

I thought, I can’t afford to let myself be myself. It’s too much of a risk.

I think I knew how different my natural rhythm was, to the one I had adopted through surviving life.

I forced myself to sit, without planning, or thinking about what I should do. I tried to relax and lean away from my conditioning.

Without my constant anxiety around being “productive”, what would I choose to do?

I spent several weeks investigating. Here are my findings:

I have intense anxiety around being myself, letting myself move naturally. It’s so overwhelming that it leads to all the unhealthy behaviors and low mental states that I’ve always struggled with.

My darkness stems from the discord between my natural self and the one created from surviving in society. It was as though I hated myself, but that was because I didn’t know myself. So it felt scary and foreign.

This was hard to go through, to feel the feelings and to bring in awareness so that I wasn’t lost inside of them.

[This is why mental health professionals exist. And don’t worry, I have one and I had one back then too.]

It was hard to feel how big the hatred and fear was inside of me, it felt humongous. No wonder I had been using everything I could to avoid myself. I wanted to avoid that truth. To avoid that hatred.

I’m thankful for the parts of me and that protected me from myself, until I was ready.

It’s taken me just over 2 years to accept myself. I’d say I’m 25% to full acceptance. That 25% feels like 1 million percent!

More findings:

I like to draw and to paint. But not for the “art” of it, for the expression. I found a big part of me that doesn’t like verbal expression. I would just swirl the paint brush or marker around, it felt like I was letting something out that was non-verbal.

I like sitting outside. I like playing with earthen material. Making pigments or texture mediums for my paintings with clay and eggshells etc.

I’m actually good at taking care of my needs. Listening to my natural impulses, it was easy to make and eat healthy food. I was easily moved to stretch and walk and sleep well.

I woke up early. I liked the quiet early morning hours to sit with the trees and pet my cat and just exist.

Some of my other findings are more private and I’d like to keep them for myself.

So it turns out, I wouldn’t just sit and rot. But I would move slower. I wouldn’t talk as much; I would express using other ways besides the intellect. I would easily take care of my body and my mind.

I had to fight through what felt like thick concrete walls of anxiety, fear, anger, and hatred to come to these findings!

All to find that who-I-really-am is, peaceful. Quiet, gentle, enjoying communing with nature and painting.

She’s not so scary or so foreign after all. But I couldn’t be “her” for so long. In my world that was violent and rushed and chaotic.

There was no place for gentle, quiet processes.

I had said to her, “I can’t use you. You’ll ruin us. We’ll sink like a leaky boat. There’s no place for peace, for slowness, no place for quiet.”

And maybe that’s why I hated her too, she threatened the shaky survival we had patched together.

In all the years of pushing her away, squelching who I really was, I accidentally made her my enemy.

I accidentally made myself my own enemy.

And now was the perfect time to clear things up.

One step at a time, patiently. A loving reintroduction of self. No threat to survival. Only an easy communion, a little bit at a time.

And now, over 2 years later, it’s time. Time to let myself deeply accept my natural self. Not to hate my gentle processes, but to trust that they are perfect.

Perfect because they’re mine, my natural ‘god’-given instincts and impulses.

And because they’re natural, and because they’re mine, they are supported by the universe-by life itself.

I feel like a fish, that learned to live on land. And I’m thankful for the wild skill-sets I’ve learned, out of the need to survive.

But like the fish, my natural self is supported in the water. The place where I breathe easy and move freely.

I never let myself go in the water for too long, always thinking I had to rush back to land. Land was where I could survive, because that’s what I learned.

Because I was born a fish, inside of a desert, and I adapted.

It feels the time now, to see what happens when I act like a fish.

What happens when I do things “my way”? Will life support me? [I know it will.]

Will I let myself be supported?

I’ll let you know.

🙂

With Love,

Heba ❤

Clearing the Pipes

Some time ago, I lived where there was a natural disaster. We didn’t have water for weeks, and when it returned, we had to flush the pipes.

We turned on our faucets and let the water run until it ran clear.

Initially the water coming out looked terrible! But I knew I had to wait, I had to leave the faucet on and trust that it would eventually run clear. 

Sometimes it’s the same way in our lives, energetically. We might start a new project or new relationship, maybe even a new way of thinking. And things start up going great, until a bump in road seems to slow things down.

We might wonder, what the hek happened?? Things were going so well. We might even have a belief that every time things go well, something strange and inconvenient happens.

I want you to know that you’ve done nothing wrong and that things are, in fact, working out in your favor.

It’s like those pipes that stayed unused for weeks. We might have energetic “pipes” that haven’t been able to run water for some time.

Water is your life force, your attention and intention.

Someone could absolutely love singing, they might have always dreamed of being a singer.

Within them is everything they need to be a successful, fulfilled singer. But they haven’t had the chance to sing, only to dream.

They created a beautiful, elaborate energetic system of piping where their life force can flow and erupt outward into song.

And still, for different reasons, they don’t sing.

Many years could go by with those pipes collecting rust and dust.

All of the times they said, “no, not yet.” The limiting beliefs that gathered over time, now lining the pipes with rust and grime.

When at last this singer is able to free themselves and begin to sing, they might encounter impediments on their path.

They might be angry or upset with the universe, or even blame themselves.

It might sound like, “I finally get myself together to live my dream and this is what happens?? Its not fair! Why do you hate me?? What did I do wrong?”

Etc.

Perhaps they become ill or lose their voice. A seemingly personal attack on their miraculous breakthrough!

The truth is, all is well. All is so well.

They can’t turn off the faucet now, this is when they need to persist forward.

Those pipes have been waiting for years to carry and stream that beautiful, singing energy.

The energy is pouring through, just like powerful water, bringing with it everything in its path.

Do not fear, do not fret. You’re on the right path, keep going. Sometimes you need to clear out the rust or build-up in unused pipes.

That can manifest as all kinds of things. Don’t take it personally, take it in stride. Let the water keep running.

Those icky manifestations will clear out soon enough, don’t look too deeply into them. Imagine you’re just flushing out the pipes.

Say, “Ok well, this must have been some old build-up in these pipes. I’ll allow it. I’m willing to let it get cleared out. It won’t take long.”

Don’t fight against the icky things that come up. They aren’t important, they are past limiting beliefs exiting out of your system.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Stay as high as you can in your thoughts. Receive help if it’s offered from a loving place.

And most of all, stay in support of yourself and what you were doing. This bump in the road is only a bump. And your road is extraordinary, long, and winding.

Remember how it felt when you finally let those pipes carry water. That joy that came forward in the beginning of your new venture.

That is real and it is yours.

Say, “I’m right here. I love you. I’m still with you. Keep flowing, I won’t be deterred, and I won’t give up. This temporary discomfort is giving way to a beautiful, clear stream of joy.”

With ❤ ,

Heba

Thank you, a mantra.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Seated comfortably, window open, a light breeze shakes the curtains.

I close my eyes to relax. I wanted relief. I wanted a kind of peace that my sleep wasn’t providing.

Hmm.

I quieted my body. I say, “It’s ok. We’ll just sit here for a while, it’s ok.”

My thoughts and ideas drifted around me.

I said, “Hmm. It’s ok. We’ll just sit here for a while.”

I let my mind jump and glide and skip, as I tried to find the quiet behind my thoughts.

It’s there, a blanket of quiet.

Shhh.

Hum.

There it is.

My mind plays the movies of my life again. Beautiful pictures and streams glide across my consciousness.

I say, “Thank you.”

I say,

“Thank you Mind. Thank you streams. Thank you for carrying the script of my life. Thank you for holding those pictures and scripts so lovingly. Thank you for your hard work. Thank you for your generosity and steadfastness. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for giving me a movie to be a part of.”

I wasn’t upset at the chaos of thoughts and pictures leaping around my consciousness. I knew they were important. I knew they meant well. Without these stories, I couldn’t have the satisfaction of a certain kind of life. Specific, personal stories that I was invested in.

I saw these thoughts like an array of beautiful white and gray clouds in a vast sky.

I took a breath and brought my attention below the clouds, where the sky is clear and steady.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Peace.

I felt grateful for the peaceful, endless sky. I felt grateful for the endless rumbling movement of clouds streaming in. Shaping and reshaping themselves into color and texture and noise.

Om. Peace.

What a beautiful view.

I invite you to try a mantra in your meditation. It can be anything you like. A sound or an easy phrase.

It can be “om” or “hum” or whatever feels good to you. Today I chose “thank you”.

So I let my thoughts dance and I let my attention drift towards “thank you” when I could.

In meditation, you’re looking for Space. A bit of space between your identity, which is mostly formed by consistent thoughts and a feeling-reaction to those thoughts. And the place where you are identity-less.

Where meaning is relaxed away from thought, so there is less pressure to tend to those thoughts.

Breathe in, breathe out.

As the preasure lifts, you find space. Space to breathe into the rest of who you are. That which is quiet, peaceful, well, whole and grounded in eternal life.

I hope that today you can find those spaces between thought. The space between sound. And that you can rest in those spaces, breathing in, breathing out.

With <3,

Heba

Bathing in Light

[Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any kind. I am not a therapist or counselor. I am an energy worker. Everything I write is only my personal experience. For professional guidance, please ask a licensed professional for all things health and mental health related. Be safe, be well, you are loved. ❤ )

Sometimes we’re doing okay at life, but certain subjects feel quite dark or troublesome.

In a vast field of lush calm and joy, there could be a few spots of barren soil.

What to do with those icky spots?

Do they bring your mood down when you feel good? Do you try not to think about them, but is it sometimes unavoidable?

Come with me in the practice of “bathing in light”.

This is for those sticky spots where you need some extra help.

I want you to imagine the thing or person that’s bothering you. Focus more on the “situation”, rather than specifics.

Meaning, how you generally feel when you think about the situation.

Notice if how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking has a color. Does it feel close or far away? If you associated the situation with a shape, which shape would you choose?

Circle, triangle, square? Or another?

I want you to assign the situation a color, a shape, and relative distance from where you are.

This is not a physical distance, it’s in your mind. So it’s how close or far away it feels.

Good!

Do you have those three things?

In your mind, imagine your situation and call it what it is. For example: gray, blocky triangle, medium closeness.

The words don’t matter that much, it just matters that you know what you mean.

You’ll notice the situation now has borders. A vague outer limit to how far it stretches. You can see where it “lives” and that it is contained by your identification of it.

Call to you Divine Light. You can say God’s Light, Divine Light, whatever you choose. Whatever feels good. Name any gods or messengers that feel good to you.

You are calling upon their light specifically, so make sure you include the word “light”.

Also bring in the Sun. Imagine a giant ball of light, like the sun, in very close contact with your “situation”.

For example, my gray triangle would be in my mind’s eye, and the sun would be right above it.

I would imagine that giant sun to be 2 to 3 times as large as the triangle. It vibrates and moves further and closer to the triangle. It seeps into the triangle, blasting it with light.

The light from the sun is seeping into the triangle on all sides, as well as underneath the triangle.

Divine Light is also there, it’s moving inside the triangle. It’s lighting it up from the inside out.

Spend some time, steady, using this light bathing. Easy and steady. If the situation begins to feel stronger than the light, enlarge the sun.

Call again, say, “Divine Light, Divine Light, Divine Light.”

Or I prefer, “God’s Light, God’s Light, God’s Light.” (I use that term when I feel like I need a higher level of assistance.)

You can even say things like, “Light come illuminate this, help me to bring this to a higher vibration. Help me to stay in God’s Light in this situation.”

“I allow beautiful, divine, white light to seep and spill and permeate this whole situation. I am a willing participant to the light. I don’t give space to the dark.”

This is all easy and steady. It’s not performative, it’s not over the top. It’s easy, it’s steady. If you’re emotions are running too high, back up. Take a breath. Come back to this another time.

Try doing this when you are in contact with the situation, or it’s nearby, or you randomly start to think about it. You can do it quickly or spend a few minutes doing this light bathing.

Ideally, this wouldn’t take more than about 5-10 minutes max.

It’s better to spend 2-3 minutes here and there light bathing. Even a few seconds here and there once you understand the practice.

The point is, of course, keeping it light. 😉

Most of the things that bother us, they come across our consciousness many times in a day. A few minutes at a time here and there.

And in those scattered minutes, we reaffirm how we feel about them. Scared or worried or angry.

So here you are, flipping the script. Taking those same few minutes here and there, every day, to raise the vibration around those “troubles”.

Let’s add a bit of truth here, what is really changing?

Is it the person? The thing or experience that’s a “problem”?

What is in the dark? Is it the problem itself or…something else?

I’ll whisper to you the answer.

(It’s your thoughts about it.)

When you interact with the problem, you lower your vibration. You allow things like fear or anger to come forward.

It becomes a practice. If you dislike Betty, every time Betty walks in you’ll engage your practiced response.

That response includes lowering your vibration to a place of disgust, resentment, and fear.

You lower yourself for a lot of different reasons, but for now, those reasons don’t matter.

You just have to interrupt the practice, interrupt the response. Stop the lowering of your energy that allows the lower vibrations to express.

So really you’re saying to the universe, to God, to Divine Light:

“This situation compels me to lower myself to icky-feeling thoughts. I understand why that’s happened. I extend compassion and understanding to myself. Now, please help me to rise again. Help me to allow what’s correct. What’s correct is the vibration of God’s Light. It encompasses all things. It heals all things. It elevates all things. Let this situation be healed and elevated, by helping me to allow light where I’ve allowed darkness. Thank you so much.”

This is a transformative practice. Meaning, it takes some time. It has to be repeated. You don’t need to worry about the results of the practice or what it will “do” for the situation.

That’s not your business, that would be like telling a tree how to grow.

All you’re doing is allowing light back into a place where darkness temporarily took hold. The light will take care of all things.

Allow your thoughts, words, and actions to be guided by light. Let all things find their place naturally.

This is a transformative practice. Meaning, it might feel strange. You might prefer to feel fear or anger, rather than bathe something in light.

This is okay. This stems from self-protection as well as a practiced response.

Just be easy with yourself, lead with love. Try a little bit at a time. Remind yourself that you are a powerful being.

This is just one path, one practice, of so many. See how it feels.

With <3,

Heba

The Unspeakable.

There exists a word somewhere that I can’t yet find.

It’s something like bravery, something like strength, something like focus.

It’s persistent and tenacious, it’s holding your breath under water as long as you can.

What’s the word?

When you’re about to go on stage for the first time, needing to remember your lines.

When you open the restaurant door, prepared to meet your date for the first time.

Standing on a high diving platform, readying yourself for the jump.

It’s an assembling of energy and focus. A gathering of focused attention. And this takes something, a bravery or strength.

This is the feeling of seeing your life as it is, and internally holding to a different vision.

It’s being mocked and feeling hurt, but remaining loyal to an inner vision where you are loved and respected.

That kind of “dual vision” is an art as much as it is a training. It’s stretching, it’s strength, it’s endurance.

I remember a walk at my favorite park when I was thinking of the reality of my current life. I remembered how I disliked certain things.

I thought of how disgruntled I was; I found it difficult to keep my thoughts in a helpful vibration.

I envisioned where I wanted to be, how I wanted to feel, and it felt impossible. “It’s too far away. I can’t get there.”

But every day I tried. I would imagine, and take a deep breath, and practice that vibration for however long I could.

It felt like my current perception of my reality kept trying to suck me back in. So there I was, standing in the park, wrestling two worlds.

As though I was standing with my arms outstretched, one hand holding my current reality, while my other hand held the new.

I felt the pull of the old, and with this undefined Word, I rose through the pull and shifted my focus to the new.

It took something, something like effort or strength. But a different kind of effort. A force that we don’t speak about.

I felt stretched between 2 worlds, somewhere in between and also in both. I turned to the new and saw it with a different kind of vision. One that was determined and sure and strong.

I stayed in this suspended state as long as I could, practicing. Feeling the pull of the old, but rising through it. Stretching for the new and steadying into that vibration, into that vision.

It felt like I was holding my breath or balancing on a shaky tight rope. At any moment, I would have to let go. But I just needed to focus and stay steady for as long as I could.

And every time I did this, my new vision would come to life. It would happen fairly quickly.

How long can you stay steady in the vibration of where you want to be, while still lovingly tending to where you are?

It’s an art and a practice in an unspoken force.

There is something inside of us, or that travels with us, that allows us this practice. The ability to observe and live in two worlds. To stand in one and stretch towards the other.

Have you experienced this “force”? How would you describe it?

Can we become better focusers, more adept at stretching into desired reality?

Comment your thoughts below.

<3,

Heba