Nothing Will Ever Make You Happy [but wait, there’s more]

I’d been on the hunt for Purpose and Fulfillment for years. I felt inklings of it here and there. But it never lasted. Satisfaction was a fleeting moment. Purpose darted off as soon as it had arrived.

I wondered if others were also Searching. They must be? Although I’ve known plenty of people who were content. C-o-n-t-e-n-t. What was it like to be content? It implied something more than happiness. It applied a feeling of being settled into your life. That you look around the landscape of your existence and think, “Yes, that’ll do just fine.”

In a rage, my mother once screamed at me, “Happy?? You’ll never be happy! Nothing will ever make you happy!”

It felt as though she had punched right through my chest and yanked out my worst fear-and then smacked me in the face with it. I was a teenager. I wanted to agree with her. Maybe she was right. I was young, underdeveloped. What did I know? I thought Somewhere, Something would make me happy. Surely that’s how life worked? But in that moment I thought, oh, I’m that person. The one who will never be happy.

I will never be satisfied. Nothing will ever make me happy. She was right. I am broken. I’ve fought for so many years, not because I had something to fight for…but because I was confused. I thought I was fighting for my One Day Happiness. But it didn’t exist.

Her words rang through my head for years. They became more and more true. In fact, I could feel some inherent, obvious, unrelenting Truth in them that I couldn’t shake. There was grace in those unholy words. A truth that would save me from living a false life:

Nothing ever makes you happy. The happiness you feel is self conceived. Once you stop bringing the happy to a situation in your life, it becomes pale and dark. If you are unwilling to bring the light into your relationships, into your day to day life – the light will surely fade.

At first, this terrified me. It couldn’t be so. It must still be Out There. The happiness. Those things that bring comfort and joy. They’ll come into my life and bring the light I am looking for.

And without fail, the things and people would come and go. The happiness would never last. Something was wrong. I looked around at others. They seem Happy. They have a person and a house and Things and they are happy. Surely if I have those things too, I will be happy. But why was this so wrong? What was I missing?

There are certain Truths you cannot glance over. Because a part of you always tugs on your sleeve like an impatient child. Nagging you. Hurling the truth at your face like a mother’s angry words.

You stand in the middle of the Happy Things all around you, and you are miserable. You think, “Life is cruel.” “What’s wrong with me? How am I not grateful? I will MAKE myself happy. I will MAKE myself grateful.”

You were never meant to live an illusion and make yourself believe that it was real. Somehow, maybe, we think this is how it works. But that’s a lie. You were meant to feel fulfilled, purposeful, loved, and excited about your life. Somehow, maybe, we stopped believing that was true.

It’s easier to believe that life is suffering, life is hard. You drink to soften its edges, you lose yourself in your mind to siphon joy from the depths of your imagination. Or maybe you’ve simply lowered your standards for happiness and you feel…pretty much fine.

But I couldn’t do any of those things for long. My mother was right.

NO-THING WOULD EVER MAKE ME HAPPY. 

What Holy words those were. They led me on a path of deliverance. A path of understanding. I let go of All Things. If happiness wasn’t in Things, I could find it where it was.

And I did.

Head in the Clouds [Mind in the Wind]

Oh, today I feel different. The wind is blowing fiercely this morning, rattling the bones of the trees around me.

I didn’t want to write about what I had planned to write about. I wanted to be like the wind. To flow wildly around the leaves and shake loose all the broken pieces.

The wind blew into my window this morning as though it was carrying important news. “Wake up, wake up! I have something to deliver!”

What is it Wind, what’s going on?

The wind reminds me of power. It reminds me we’re alive. In the repetitive thoughts and stale mind, it reminds me of Life. It’s all still alive – the world. Nature is roaring with powerful life.

And where was I? Sitting under a perceptually pale sun staling like old bread.

It’s all quiet, you see? We’re paused. Still. Bound in our progression. 

But the wind wasn’t listening. It was too busy being alive. It was too busy wondering why we renounce the fact that we too, are nature.

My heart? Beating. My breath? Radiating. My body? Flowing like the river.

“Tell me then, which part of you has died? Which is still? Which is bound and stale?”

My mind felt free today. Free to imagine. I knelt down to feel the earth below my feet. Both palms, flat on the dirt. I felt something alive and beating. Pulsating through my palms.

Is that my heartbeat or yours, Earth?

The beating drummed through my body, feeding something into my veins. I felt the Something travel the meridians of my inner body, lighting up familiar pathways.

That something was knowledge, wisdom. Knowing itself. The Knowing asked, “who are you?”

I answered,

Who am I?

The voice of the Light. Expression of Creator. A prism to refract the rays of Spirit.

We are Two here, in this existence. One always calling to the other. Flesh calls for the breath of life. The breath, yearning to come alive.

We are corporeal and spirit, living as one. An obsession with one aspect over the other causes imbalance and suffering.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, this union. Where in my life do I need to infuse creation with its breath? Where in my life could I take the intangible and weave it into something grounded?

8 Tips to Help with Anxiety and Panic

These tips are for dealing with non-severe anxiety and panic. I am not a mental health professional, only someone who has experience with anxiety and panic attacks.

Some of the tips are from therapists I’ve had, others I’ve acquired from various sources over the years, or things that I’ve tried and work for me.

If your symptoms are severe, I would suggest calling a friend, family member, or health professional. This is more day-to-day management that works for me.

During this isolation time, I’ve realized that being on my phone, or any device, contributes to my anxious feelings.

Tip #1:

–Put your phone or device away immediately.

(I like to move quickly when I feel anxious or panicky, because it can escalate quickly. Catch it as fast as you can.)

Tip #2

–Get up and get moving! Literally get up and start moving your body. Look at your hands and tap them against different parts of your body. Jump, hop, shake, dance, whatever movement works for you. Walk in place or walk back and forth. Don’t stop, move into some other techniques as you relax.

Tip #3

–LOOK around you.  What colors are on the wall? Is there a picture hanging on your wall? What objects are in the picture? Any numbers around you? Read them out loud, backwards and forwards. Are books around? Read the titles out loud.

Tip #4

–Put your nose to work! Burn sage, incense, or spray a fragrant scent (one that you like). Take a moment to really take in that scent.

Tip #5

Look in the mirror (once your anxious feelings have calmed a bit). Look at your face, what color are your eyes? Change the hair style of your hair if you can. Move your hair around. Do you have freckles or birthmarks?

Tip #6

Do a task, any task. Unfolded laundry? Just start folding. Robotically at first if needed. Dishes? Just grab the sponge. Look at the sponge, observe it. Look at the dishes, touch them. Feel their texture.

Tip #7

Go outside if possible, or look out the window. Take a deep breath. Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, feeling your diaphragm fill up with air. Hold for a second. Exhale slowly through your mouth for 8 seconds. Feel your belly contract as you exhale. Repeat.

Tip #8

As you relax, bring your awareness into the current moment. You are here. Say “I am here. I am right here. I’m here. I’m right here.” You are here, right here. You are here in this moment. This moment is good. This moment is just fine. It’s just here.

If you are currently feeling anxious, please only read the following once you are feeling calm and relaxed.

Anxiety and panic are about disconnection, division. A divergence from the current moment. Your thoughts have been carried away from the present.

In a sense, you are healing the division that is causing your disconnection. That’s why sensory activities are key. It’s not just about relaxing; it is about reconnecting. Touching, seeing, hearing (play music loudly), smelling (burn sage, incense, or use a strong scent or perfume, tasting (I haven’t used this sensory experience with anxiety, but feel free to try).

These sensory experiences and your conscious engagement with them brings you back to the present moment. You realize that here, in this present moment, you are okay. You are intact. Those anxious thoughts were taking you somewhere else, somewhere unpleasant. But you can bring yourself back.

Much love to all who read this. May you feel well and whole.

Here is a link to some professional tips on dealing with anxiety.

Who Am I? [the eternal question.]

I always wondered what I would do with my time if I wasn’t required to be somewhere or do something specific. I would do these exercises years ago where I would pretend I was free of all obligation. I could choose whatever I wanted with my day. It was really hard at first. I was trained to completely escape or “veg” out on my days off.

The days that I worked, I would reluctantly get ready and go work, come home and rest. I incorporated gym time and cooking and errands into my days, but that was it. It was all scheduled, all required.

Eventually something started shifting. I would wake up feeling free, like I was choosing my day. I wasn’t a robot going about my tasks. A new idea was arising, c-h-o-i-c-e. I was choosing my activities instead of feeling the obligation of them. Such a subtle but powerful change in perspective. It made me feel more empowered.

In the past, it seemed as though if nothing was required of me, I would be in bed all day long, every day. I thought I would waste away into nothingness without structure. I realized that was an old way of thinking. The depressed mind. Dissociated, escaping. But that wasn’t me anymore, and I had to update my fears to fit where I was now.

When I let go of obligation, I didn’t turn into a sloth (no offense to sloths). I became more self-disciplined. Self-driven. I started to get to know who I really was and what I was like, without external context.

I wanted to feel my own rhythm. Did I like to wake up early or stay up late? What was my work style? Do I like one long break, or lots of little ones? I never got the chance to understand how I was most effective and what it was like to move through my day with inspiration rather than fear or duty.

When I was young, I was forced to do everything . I wasn’t allowed to have a choice or an opinion. Most of what I came to know as “me” or “my preference” was a rebellious/opposing response to what I had been forced to do. 

So who the heck was I? Without fear of authority or resentful rebellion- what was Heba like?

I started to flow with my own rhythm, after I had disentangled it from shame. It felt so wrong to move with my natural impulses. Like someone, somewhere was yelling at me. It took practice. It took being so nice to myself through the process.

My way of doing things was nothing like what I had been made to do when I was young. And it wasn’t like the stubborn, opposing Heba either.

It takes so much to honor your own flow, but it’s worth it. If ever you want to be free of the machine, you have to understand who you are.

What do you look like without the system imposed upon you? 

I thought about how this time in my life is what I wanted all along. A container, a bubble, where nothing is required of me. The machine has slowed, and stopped in some areas. I had nothing but myself and time. I knew I had to take advantage of it. I had to discover who I was beneath my masks. This wasn’t a time for fear or panic. It was a time of letting go. A time of s-u-s-p-e-n-s-i-o-n. A time like this would not come again.

Here is what I naturally felt inspired to do during this period (so far):

-Developing my business from the inside out. Making sure my intentions are clear and steady and that I have put to bed any fears or doubts.

-Dancing. I’ve not only been practicing my belly dance “moves”, but an overall attitude. Feeling the energy flow through my body and outward as I am dancing.

-Painting. I picked up my watercolors and have been painting regularly.

-Exercising. I’ve been running and weight training (improvised weights), as well as calisthenics.

-I love being outside! I spend every moment outside that I can. I love walking for hours (far away from people) and spending time in our yard.

-Writing. Besides this blog, I’ve been journaling and writing poetry and prose.

-Playing music. I’ve been practicing my djembe and zills.

-Meditating, praying.

Aside from t-h-i-n-g-s I’ve been doing, they also seem to have a natural flow. Some days I feel more physically active, others I can spend writing for hours. I can paint some days and others I ignore my painting completely.

Some days feel so productive and others are soft and quiet. I spend them inside meditating, chanting, chatting with friends or watching tv.

It’s been so enlightening to live day to day without judgement of what I’m doing. It seems I get just as much done in a week moving with my natural rhythm as I would yelling at myself every day to live up to some kind of ideal of productivity.

My days don’t look the same, though I may do the same activities. Each one seems to be unique. Every run I go on looks and feels different. I think it’s because I wake up and I allow myself to listen to my internal impulses. This keeps me in the moment. I’m not running an an old software program; I am more present in each activity.

Something magical happens when you stop pushing. When you push too hard, you push back against yourself and so you have lost your natural impulse. This doesn’t apply to pushing yourself in a particular activity, like running. That’s different. That’s firing yourself up to reach new heights. That’s inspired.

But pushing from a place of fear or inadequacy or judgement is toxic. It makes you imagine as though that will lead you to accomplish your goals, but it’s a lie. Even if/when you do accomplish your goals you will have developed a toxic system for yourself. The ends never justify the means. (This is excluding extreme circumstances.)

What have you learned about yourself during this time? What habits would you like to keep? Did this time feel like syncing back up with yourself?

Passion to Purpose

I embarked on a journey to live by following my heart, to do work that felt fulfilling. I wanted to express my inner world externally in an artistic medium. I wanted a Way, some skills to translate my inner self.

I felt as though I had so much to say, but no language by which to express it. I came to be an artist, a designer, a seamstress. I was passionate about these things. I thought that passion was what I was looking for, but something was missing.

I looked again. I revisited some old wisdom, I found my way to new wisdom.

Deepak Chopra says there are three components of the Law of Dharma.
1. To discover your true self.
2. To express your unique talents.
3. To be in service to humanity/serve your fellow humans

In the guided visualization videos I would listen to at work, they often mentioned the idea of “helping”. How can you help others? What is it that you are offering?

In the business oriented videos I would listen to, they would ask who your audience is. What are they like? What are you providing for them?

I didn’t know how I was in service and I had no idea who my audience was. Others were not factored into my ‘passions’. I was doing what felt inspiring or creative to me, I had no idea how it related to anybody else. I ignored this fact for quite some time. I just didn’t know what to do with it.

This one week, I did a hypnosis guided meditation that compelled me to feel this connection to humanity. Here is what I saw: I was a pack animal and I was sitting in the forest, with my pack. We only communicated with our eyes. We communicated UNITY. I felt something stir within. Some kind of knowing was coming alive. I knew something, but it was so natural to me that I hadn’t looked at it.

The same week, I was listening to Steve Harvey. He said something so incredibly strange and seemingly unimportant. “Your gift is the thing you do the absolute BEST with the LEAST amount of effort.” (I had been looking up videos on the idea of purpose.) He repeated this so many times. I glazed over it until something struck me. I remembered that visualization I had done.

I remembered being in that forest, that feeling that stirred within me. There was in fact something I do the absolute best with virtually no effort at all. It was so innate to me that I had looked right past it-it was too easy.

I felt this natural ability within me to connect. I can connect deeply, intimately with the fabric of our world. It’s just something I do and have always done. I can also s-e-e people, I can see them from the inside out.

When I was very young I knew how to calm people. I would just do it. I knew the pathway from where they were to the feeling of Calm, and I would hold their hand and walk with them there. But I never put words to it, I was too little.

There is something significant in going back to your roots. Going back to the origin of you. All of the masks I tried to wear and the walls I built up around me fell away.

At the basis of my being, who was I? What felt most natural?

Connecting. Swimming around in the energy data of things and people (like a weirdo). Loving, adoring, facing towards the light. When I stripped everything away, that is what remained.

I thought I was going to filter that essence through a medium, through art. In the end, that was a cumbersome and tangled process. I let go. There was a better way, the most basic way.

I was just going to b-e that essence, wholly. It expressed itself after all, I didn’t have to cram it through a meat grinder to see what came out the other side.

I was on a new adventure now. I felt steady. I felt like the wheels of my life had just clicked into place.