Creativity’s Grief

I used to feel an impossible sadness inside of the things I wanted most.

Deep inside the thick color of paint or a beautiful design coming to life, there was my dread. My grief buried behind the pigment and the thread.

I would turn my head away. I would close my eyes tightly and grasp at my heart, trying to find my breath.

Anger!

“I hate you! I hate your beauty!”

I would stand, transfixed in adoration at a beautiful creation. And inside, I would begin to weep.

“I could never have this. I could never create beauty.”

I would imagine the colors flowing through me turning to ash on the canvas. That beauty would travel through me and become a deformed, wretched thing.

“I would kill you, if you were mine. You would become nothing.”

The thick layers of oil paint clogging up inside my throat as I stared into their colors.

Repulsive!

I was mocked and cursed by the spirit’s call to beauty.

‘Create.’

It says.

‘Adore.’

It says.

And I would follow the path, always leading to beautiful things and the same hollow grief.

“Spirit, why do you mock me in this way? Why do you curse my heart in this way?”

One day, I began to embrace the hatred within. It wasn’t easy. I felt as though I was a clawed demon, trying to scratch through the doors of my holding pen.

I would cry out, clawing at the shadows that circled me.

“Leave me alone!”

How did I get here, why was beauty on the other side of this horrific pain? How could I ever get there?

The path seemed wide and endless. Perilous.

It seemed to want to eat me alive.

How would I survive?

Months of trying left me feeling like a rug hanging over a balcony railing, the dust thoroughly beaten out of its grain with a broom handle.

Suddenly, there I was. Creating. Moving, gliding. Feeling the edges of my inner canvas.

Feeling where the desire to destroy began, and where the desire to create ended. They were on the same continum it seemed.

The fire that leapt from me into beautiful color and formation, was the same fire that then came to claim its creation.

Where does creation end and its destruction begin? I had to discover.

Both had been entangled within me. The desire to create and to destroy. The thirst for beauty and the repulsion of its presence. They lived inside of each other.

As I walked those treacherous fields around creation, I allowed myself to understand. I allowed myself to feel the story unfolding and to breathe deep, as the story drew to its conclusion.

I saw that it wasn’t the color or the shapes that I loved. It was the breath of creation that drew me in.

And deep inside that breath was the story of destruction, too.

Was I able to dance along the edges of the volcano of creation without falling in? Could I walk the tight-rope of emerging beauty without collapsing it upon itself.

We are all creators, masterful in the artistry of balance. The light touch of the creative mind.

We are all destroyers, unparalleled in our ability to decimate. When we seek to destroy, we do so with wild, primal abandon.

Where do you tread with artful balance in your life? Where do you feverishly create and then pull back when its time-allowing your creation to live out a life before its destruction?

This is a beautiful skill to hone, and one that is yours to behold.

You’ll dance along the edges of life’s breath with masterful ease.

You’ll adore your creations and breathe as you let go and let them have a life of their own.

You’ll know the vast expanses of your inner canvas, and where its boundaries are.

And in this, you’ll Play.

With Love,

Heba

Keepers of the Light

I hope this post finds you. I hope it finds you well.

You know who you are.

Life knocks you over, and you somehow find strength to stand again.

You are a keeper of the light, a torch holder.

Did you know that the light you shine is so important? We need you.

You light the way for others, as they travel those narrow passageways.

You travel further up ahead than the others, to leave hanging orbs of light – – -beacons to guide the way.

You often find yourself alone, or perhaps you travel with a pack that you soon outgrow.

There’s a reason for this aloneness, it’s because you race up ahead to guide the way.

Some others are ahead of you as well, the Ancient Ones. You feel their call, a different kind of beacon.

Your soul-pack may sometimes be divided. As you take turns pulling and pushing energy. Calling out to each other when a path has been forged.

“Come this Way!”

You are the Keepers of the Light. And we need you.

We need you to uphold the vibration of Heaven, even in the midst of Hell. To believe, when all others have forgotten. To keep focus, when the line of vision has become hazy.

You have a different kind of vision, one that sees beyond, one that sees Through.

And where others may see nothingness, you see The Way.

Do not discount this vision, even when you feel alone.

You came with the power to rise, after a thousand deaths. Decimated, you again remember the fire that burns within you.

You hear the ancient call to rise, and you remember. You say, “I am.”

You stand upon a mountaintop, draped in billowing fabric. You remember who you are. You say, “I am.”

And life-force pours into you, greater than ever before. You remember that you are a channel. You make way for life to flow through you, you prepare to receive. Your arms swing outward and upward, head fallen back to gaze [eyes closed] at the sky.

Chest lifted, arms open. You say, “I receive.”

“That which flows through me is from – – – The Beginning. That which becomes me, has a thousand eyes. This sight is eternal and full. Origin breath, to origin breath – I breathe. I am. My mind, and the eternal mind. Mind of the whole. Gentle, Light. I am.”

I hope that today you remember, ‘I am the keeper of the light.’ You believe in the good when no one else can. This belief is sacred and quiet. This belief is beyond the world of man.

You sustain the vibration of breath and lightness. You do not deny the heaviness of life, instead you remember who you are.

What if Light itself stared into Dark for so long, that it forgot itself? It looked and looked, and all it saw was Dark.

What if it became that which it saw, outside of itself? Forgetting itself. Diminishing itself. Absorbing the Dark into itself, because of its constant gaze into the Darkness.

“I must not exist.” The Light might say. “I must be nothing, meaningless, empty, irrelevant.”

“This Dark is everywhere. It must be Something. It must powerful.”

What if the Light submitted to the Dark?

Would you not yell as loud as you could, “Light! Wake up! We need you! You are not the Dark! You are Light! Look within and you’ll see yourself! Stop looking at the Dark! Look within, you’ll remember!”

Wouldn’t you want Light to expand again, to rise above the horizon like a fiery sun reclaiming the day?

The Light never needs to defeat Dark. It only needs to Shine. It only needs to remember itself, and to immerse fully in that remembrance.

You have vast, open fields of space around you. These fields are ready for your light. They say, ‘come’. They say, ‘we will be the place for you to spread your light’.

Do not stand in the Dark, stuck and afraid. You are light itself. Remember this, and you will shine again. Not by fighting the dark, only by remembering who you are.

We need you.

You did not come to serve, you did not come to help. You came to be yourself, and that is all we need.

❤

With Love,

Heba

So Hum

Come lay with me

In this bed of well-being.

The sun is at half mast

Celebrating the passing life of day

And soothing us into the whispers of dusk.

Come lay with me,

I won’t mind.

Lay with me in this warm light.

It forgets all that has been before,

It quiets the memory

And opens my heart.

My love,

My being.

I breathe deep,

Laying with you.

Letting the whispers

Rock my mind into peace

And

Quiet.

Seeing the Signs

Dear God, I don’t know what to do next. I did all the things, but I can’t see what’s next. How will it all work out, why won’t you show me?

Dear Universe, I did all of the things. I should be There by now, shouldn’t I? Shouldn’t I be where I asked to be? Why won’t you show me?

Dear University, I was promised success. I did all the things. And here I stand, lost. I don’t see where to go next. I don’t see my happiness. Why can’t you lead me?

Maybe you’ve felt or thought these things, or your own version of society’s restless prayer.

“Show me.”

Our eyes turn outward, scouring all within our gaze for answers, resolve, and success. Inside we demand or cry, “show me”.

Rest, easy. There’s a reason you cannot See.

And it’s the most beautiful reason of all.

It isn’t out there, what you’re looking for. It’s coming OUT of YOU. It is you that’s bringing it forth, which is why you can’t see it.

Doesn’t that make sense?

In the old way, we tried to predict or copy. We would set forward our whole day, maybe even project our whole life ahead of us. We would look towards success in the world, and then copy that success.

Easy, peasy.

The New Way doesn’t work like that. In the new way, we transmute energy. We breathe in inspiration, love, and revelation. We allow the nourishment of life to flow through us like a spinning carousel.

Breathing in life through our feet, allowing it to make its way through our system and then exhaling a beautiful transmuted creation.

You can’t see it because it’s inside of you, making its way back out. You are breathing out creation. You are breathing out your own version of heaven.

You can’t see it, but you can feel it. Here in this new way, you open up to your other senses.

Imagine the first people trying to define the sense of smell. How do you quantify a sense? There are receptors that are reacting to Something and giving you evidence of that Something as defined by that specific receptor.

Now imagine you have more senses than the ones we know about. Sight, smell, hearing, taste, touch, and that “sixth” sense where you can “feel” someone looking at you.

Let’s say you now have 3 additional senses. You can feel things in new ways. You can detect what is Becoming, before it is receivable by the known senses. You would need these additional senses, if you were to be one who transmutes energy.

You don’t need these new senses in the Old Way, which involves projecting and replicating. The original, known senses are incredibly important in the old way. They are made to absorb what has become and to create more of it. It’s a genius way to sustain a creation.

As you rise to the New, you’ll need to turn your gaze inward. And by gaze I mean, “sensors”. You’ll have to trust in what is being re-worked and re-made and is making its way into the world, through you.

If you imagine yourself as a television channel and you’re streaming cartoons. Your outward perspective would be looking at the person watching You.

You wouldn’t be able to see yourself. But you would KNOW yourself. You could feel the energetic movement that is collecting, dispersing, and shape shifting to create Something that is being viewed by others. “I am cartoon.” But you would not be able to see the You that is “cartoon”.

Can you live your life Being the evidence of that which you seek, rather than Looking for evidence? It’s a big question. It’s a big change.

It means enlivening some of those other, yet unknown and unpracticed senses.

“If I can’t see it because it is coming OUT of me, how can I Feel it? How can I detect that which is forming and becoming THROUGH me?”

Lay that into your consciousness, allowing for the answers to bloom within you.

I hope that today you feel unencumbered. I hope that you understand that you were always meant to be Wholly yourself. I hope you know that when a life of replicating and projecting no longer feels good, there is a life here for you.

I mean to say to you, welcome. Welcome to You. Welcome to a life that feels like you. Welcome to the magic of Becoming. I’m here to say to you, this place was always for you. I’m so happy you’re here. I’m so excited for what you’ll create. It will feel good and calm and delicious. You never had to copy what was “out there”. You just had to Believe long enough to realize, you were meant to be You. Life is so lucky to have you, as its creator and its Liver.

[I love when Spirit delivers a dual-meaning message. The liver of life. And what does the liver do in the human body? It is a detoxifier, balancer, it helps digest and sort the icky from the beneficial. It’s involved in hundreds of tasks in the body and is vital to the organism’s survival. It is the largest solid organ in the human body.

You are vital and needed, doing exactly whatever it is that you do. It’s not supposed to seem important to the world. It’s supposed to Feel like You, just as you are. Don’t try to feel important or do something important, You as yourself are exactly what life wants and needs.]

❤

With Love,

Heba

Where You Belong

Life behind the veil

I hope you’ll come with me on this journey of thought.

Imagine in your mind, the idea of society. Can you see it? What’s it made of?

Do you see structures, of the physical and social variety? Can you see boxes and shapes and clusters?

Do you see all of the things that make up society and civilization? It may be as though you’re looking down from above, at a board game of colors and shapes.

Where do you belong in this society? Which game piece are you playing with? Which structures are you part of, or inside of?

Spend a little time with these concepts. See how you feel. Just observe your feelings and thoughts as you contemplate Society.

Now imagine Society melting like a stick of butter under a bright, summer sun. Those structures and shapes are melting. The thin plastics of an organized world are melting, just like that butter.

Since YOU are not Society, you aren’t melting. You are whole and well. You are watching.

Your neighbor is also whole and well. They don’t seem to be melting, they’re watching.

Nothing drips from the sky, it is not melting. The ocean continues to roar, unaware of this melting.

Society has completely melted, and those melted shards have hardened like bits of candle wax.

Everyone you know is alive and well, they seem to be thriving.

The wind blows through a breeze that moves these hardened bits of wax. They blow away like dead leaves on an autumn day.

Let’s look inside.

Here we are, inside of Truth.

Here You are, more connected with all-that-is than you’ve ever been before. You feel yourself in a new way. You feel lit up inside, you can feel the energy that enlivens you moving. You sink into this feeling.

Inside of this feeling, you can feel everyone around you. You can feel an entire world of life, buzzing and humming. You breathe. As you exhale, you say “Home”.

And everyone around you, an entire world of life, lights up. It pulsates a word back to you, “Home”.

You feel with your heart, as though a lantern has grown where your heart once lived. A lantern full of light. And with this light, you can feel anything that exists. You say, “Home”.

Underneath that which became melted butter, there was a world humming with life and interconnectedness. In this space which Is, like the space you slip into between the sheets of your bed, a different version of life is humming.

There it is. Hum.

All are alive and well. Playing, communicating, buzzing with alive-ness.

I invite you to see with the eyes of Seeing. To feel the pulsating heart of life that is beneath the layer of the conceptual.

Underneath our mental imaginings of rules and separation, structure and shape, there exists an actual life. And those mental imaginings are a thin layer of obscurity, easily melted and re-formed.

Did you know that underneath that which feels like fleeting life, fleeting love, fleeting wealth, fleeting health…there is everlasting well-being?

And people all through out life’s history have been trying to give shape or story to this eternal life that lives underneath the veil.

With the constructs and layers of imagination – are we a person? Do we exist? Do we need compliance to the established order – to survive?

Does life-as-we-know-it exist if these layers of concept melt away?

I invite you to honor these questions, and then set them aside. And for now, see if you can feel that heartbeat underneath life-as-you-know-it.

I promise you, it is there. Feel for it. You’ll find that the world over is more alive than it’s ever been. You’ll feel the excitement of life breathing itself into being, more alive that ever before.

And it says, Home. And it says, Come.

Come this way. Come away from the thin layer of fleeting satisfaction, and join yourself in the celebration of living.

In this space, life is long. Life is not concerned with its length. It’s too busy. It’s too busy immersed in the joy of living itself.

I don’t have all the answers. But I have this one answer.

And I invite you to listen. To melt away the constructs you’ve lived by for so long, and feel into the life that exists anyway. The life that exists without the constructs of life-as-we-know-it.

Use your mind for Good. To practice this mental exercise. You don’t have to do anything else. You don’t have to change a single thing about your life. Just in your mind’s eye, melt away the stories. And see what is left behind.

Behind the veil, you’ll find yourself and everyone else too.

And you’ll live, heart alive. You’ll live with a lantern full of light, nestled within your being. You’ll play on the board games of life with these others around you. Hearts alive.

With Love,

Heba