Stop Believing in Yourself

You know those times you felt yourself willing to rise into a new endeavor, or to follow your joy instead of the paycheck and you thought “I believe in myself”. Well the truth is, that phrase isn’t the lighthouse guiding you to new shores that you thought it was.

“Believing in myself” has gotten me into trouble many times. I used it like a blanket to protect myself against uncertainty and the fear of inaction.

I’ll just keep believing myself. Surely, I know what to do. I’m me. I’ll just stay steady here where I stand and everything will work out fine. 

In reality those times you spontaneously felt belief in yourself, you were feeling the conviction behind a decision you’ve made. There’s a whole world of difference in there. Conviction is powerful. It drives you past the known, past the comfortable and into new landscapes of life.

There are so many times when believing in yourself won’t feel like anything special. It won’t make the impact you want it to on your mental/emotional state or in the details of your life.

Here is a revised and more specific way to use believing in yourself to your advantage.

Get Specific. Beef up what you mean by putting specifics behind it. That way, it has more meaning to you. Define what parts of you, you’re believing in. What is it about you that you are rallying behind?

This takes away the vagueness of the phrase and adds power to it. Right away you’ll feel more clarity and more direction and readiness.

Set Intentions. What would you like to achieve in your life right now? What matters to you? On a daily/weekly/monthly basis, what activities would you like to partake in? What aspects of your personality would you like to shift?

Write it Down. Make a list of your intentions. Log your current specifics in relation to those aspects of you that you are championing.

Update Regularly. Redefine what it means to you as often as necessary. Keep it fresh and keep it relevant to where you are in your life and what currently matters to you.

This is an example of what I write for myself (shortened):

Get Specific: ‘I believe in the parts of me that know how to listen to my inner guidance. I am a good listener. I believe in my persistence and ferocity in pursing things that matter to me. I believe in my ability to be clear-minded.’

Set Intentions: ‘To write 2-3 blog posts a week. To meditate regularly. To keep my physical activity level in a place that supports optimal health and vitality. To eat food that nourishes me physically and emotionally. To have a pleasing balance between incoming and outgoing finances.’

[Notice how I have kept these a little specific, a little general. You just want an overview of intention. This is so that you know for sure that you have things that are important to you and they are KNOWN. All parts of you are aware of your goals, desires, likes. For me, it’s a bit of a psychological trick. I feel more comfortable with myself and with trusting myself if I think that I know what I want. Otherwise it feels a bit too hazy. I fear I’ll go off track or become complacent.

No need to write down everything that’s important to you, just choose a few that are most relevant to you right now.]

Write it Down: I write in a notebook as well as post a piece of paper in my bathroom with general daily affirmations. Something like, ‘I trust that my spontaneously arising impulses and instincts correspond to my highest well-being and the highest well-being of those I care about. I trust myself to listen to that guidance that lights my way with ease and knowing. I trust that my intentions and goals will be lovingly woven into the fabric of my every day…’

Update Regularly: As my intentions and goals change, I update that list. Let’s say on my list is “learn 5 new words a week” and after a weeks I don’t feel as passionate about that goal. I update my list to what is most important to me right now.

Now, when you say you Believe in Yourself, you will feel the depth and breadth of what you mean. You’ll feel the power of it rise within you. Because you know it isn’t arbitrary. You’ll know that you really mean: I Have Conviction.

“I am sure about what I want and my ability to achieve whatever I desire.” Not because you’re going to use all your effort to go out and get it – but because you are in tune with your life’s unfolding. You know that it will be incorporated and integrated into your life. Because you’re right there with it, right there with your intentions and with your knowing that your life is on your side.

Life is for No Reason

Have you ever stood looking over the cliffs of your life wondering what it was all for? What was your purpose? If you found this purpose, would it lead you to happiness?

Your purpose is chosen by you. Life has no purpose, but to be what it is. It continues to become and you are a participant. Life needs nothing from you. But in awakening to its flow and coming into union with your life feels good.

You know those things you like for no reason? You want to spend more time doing them, but you can’t find a worthy enough reason?

Those are the things that are meant for you. Not because they are more holy or because they are your foretold destiny, but because they appeal to you. Nothing you ever do is more or less holy or worthy than the rest. Except in this way: your attitude about it.

The feeling of fulfillment and purpose flows from within you outward – not the other way around. When you feel in love with something you’re doing, it’s because you are enjoying partaking in that activity. It is you that is bringing the love to the activity. And so, you can do that with whatever you like.

“Okay, so I’m supposed to love this job that I hate? If I change my attitude about it I’ll suddenly like it?”

Sure, maybe! It depends on how willing you are to apply this to your life. But for ease, don’t try to love the job you hate. Give yourself a break. Stop trying to like that which you don’t like, and stop trying to search for something you do like.

Searching implies it is out there, to be found. This is not true. What you like, is already inside you. You already know what it is. Maybe you can’t point at it and define it in terms other people understand…but you know what it feels like. You know how you feel when you’re resonating with something.

Don’t fight against what you’re doing now. Just appreciate what it gives you. And start to feel around inside for that feeling of fulfillment. Start feeling the outlines of it and lean into it.

Life is for no reason. You choose the reason. You choose your ‘why’. No one can validate it or invalidate it for you.

What is it that you like? What thoughts and feelings do you enjoy? What imaginary world calls to you most?

Make your life out of what speaks to you – on the inside. Champion your own cause. Create the world that you love. From the inside out. Stop asking the world to give you purpose, when the world will shape itself to the purpose you define.

And there is always a self designed (and designated) purpose. There is always something within you that you want to be seen or spoken. It can change over time, but right here, right now, something inside calls to you. I invite you to listen. To tune out everyone else (even that inner dialogue) and just listen. Lean into what it is you truly desire.

Spirit is Nameless [Channeling 101]

What is channeling? Let’s look at the definition before we begin, from Google:

1. direct toward a particular end or object.
2. (of a person) serve as a medium for (a spirit).

We can channel many things. Emotions, ideas, spirits, the flow of water or sand. In this context, I’ll be writing about channeling spirit. Giving spirit a different name, so that is allows for more flexibility, we’ll call it consciousness. Consciousness is awareness of self, as a Self. Whether that be in corporeal form or otherwise. It is the “I am”.

So what does it really mean to channel consciousness? Mostly, we think of channeling in the instances of flowing a stream of knowing that isn’t our own. That we are channeling through the knowing of another, or many other, aware beings.

I believe it’s absolutely possible to channel any awareness (or consciousness) that you choose. From the great musicians and fine artists to healers and leaders of the past. You just have to have an intention and a knowing of how to channel.

Which brings me to the point of this post. We are already channeling. All of us are channeling the spirit, the consciousness, the awareness of who we are. I am channeling spirit that breathes life into my body and personality as Heba.

Interestingly, we acknowledge this less and feel more excited or intrigued by the channeling of other beings. But what about our own spirit? What about our own awareness? Isn’t there a level of mastery to channeling your own spirit first? What does that really mean and what does it look like?

Last night I laid in bed and thought about this. Am I channeling the spirit of Heba? Yes and no. There is no spirit of Heba. The energy or awareness that animates me seems to be nameless. As I dial in and feel around in what makes me alive, it feels like a nameless flow. But somehow, it must be related to me and my personality. There must be some kind of bond between this nameless and who I consider to be “me”.

I felt around some more. I was curious. I remembered how I channel the cluster of light I call “the collective”. I remembered how I travel into that space that is common to us all, the spirit realm. I applied that same knowing [of how to travel] to experience my own spirit.

Without the training and socializing of society – did we have an identity? What makes us have different personalities? Is the spirit that brings me to life the same as everyone else?

I wanted to know that spirit, that awareness. I wanted to know what it was like. I wanted to experience it freely and without restriction or distraction.

I started to feel like…I don’t think my spirit is different than anyone else’s. It seems to pulsate in the same nameless space that is common to us all. It animates me without judgement or expectation. Like a wave swelling in the middle of the sea and rumbling towards the shore.

I took comfort in this for awhile. It felt nice to experience the nameless part of me. The part that seemed to have no impulse of its own – apart from Being.

I was free. I relaxed into this like I was weightless on the surface of that same sea. I let my arms and legs open widely as I let go, throwing myself backward into the metaphysical waters of this space.

So how does this nameless space correspond to the endless hunger of the physical self? Where in the connection lines does Nameless and Free become an Identity with desires?

There was something here, I knew it like a squirrel knows there is food inside the hardened shell of a nut. In fact, I felt so much here that I didn’t know where to start pulling the thread of unraveling. [Though I know that so much always ends up distilling into a basic truth or two.]

I felt the necessity of personality. And I also felt that it needn’t bind us so tightly. Realizing that I come from a boundless place where I have no name makes me feel less attached and desperately grasping to the identity of Heba. There is in reality, no Heba at all. I am renewed in each day, free to live out whatever aspects I would like to.

I began to feel more of a connection to this quiet Being space rather than the personality Heba. I didn’t really need an identity to exist. I am here, even with no name. I am still sitting here, thinking, writing, enjoying the sunlight coming in through the window.

I had a theory long ago that we were all the same wave, living in the same mind, but each thinking we were singular. That feeling of “me” was the same feeling we all felt, the same “me”. But we think we’re reflecting it differently.

The idea of not having an identity used to scare me. I wanted to be someone my whole life. I wanted to be relevant, to feel seen. I felt small and alone. I wanted to feel big and loved.

Now I realized it didn’t matter. All the details I thought were building this identity of Heba weren’t building that at all. They were just choices. Choices made by a nameless expression of life. A collection of preferences that in fact, changed constantly. The illusion of a constant, progressing personality was just that – an illusion.

As I see it now, in my mind’s eye, I am more of a cloud of spontaneously erupting preferences. With seeming continuity. Maybe this continuity made us feel more safe. But I see now that it is unnecessary. It’s nice sometimes to experience it, but it’s just a preference like everything else.

There isn’t really continuity. Only spontaneous impulses, like little sparks of electricity. Erupting into that which we translate as form and physicality.

This all leads to so many more questions. Where does preference come from? I wanted to travel the railway between my nameless self and my identity. I wanted to feel the twists and turns as the formless takes on personality and embraces linear time. I wanted to feel the spectrum of “me” and track where those impulses originate.

The Oracle Speaks [it’s a new day]

Everyone seems to be asking, energetically speaking, what’s happening? What’s happening next?

Or in more physical terms, what does this mean for us globally? What happens next?

I’ve been tapping in, but the truth is, there wasn’t anything for us to know. I felt more of a “hold on”.

The very structure of our world, in all the energetic realms, was shifting. Where I looked to before, had moved. And it wasn’t done!

I kept wanting answers for people. Did I want answers for myself? No. But I felt a rumbling discomfort inside that I wanted resolved.

Although you could find answers, you could find messages from many giving comfort and new perspective, this was not for me. My way, my stream of information was not guiding me in that way. And it frustrated me. I could go in and get answers, and I would, but they felt off. Something disingenuous about them.

They weren’t giving you the whole story.  

No singular message I was receiving felt complete. They all came with a whispered “hold on”. It wasn’t about diving in to give messages about the past or the present. It was more than that, it was about going into our collective future.

There was something coming through strongly, something I had been ignoring. Trying to brush it off like I was swatting a fly.

When I’m ignoring a message or not listening properly, I feel this nag. Have you ever felt it? Feels like someone is yanking on my mind. That feeling like you were meant to do something, but you can’t remember what it was. This feeling bugs me until I can finally turn to it and yell, “What?! What is it??”

I felt what was holding me back from accepting this message. It was fear and it was trying to hold on to the past. I didn’t want to go because I was holding myself in fear and confusion. I had to let go of the last attachments to the old system, and it was compelling me to a new level of courage.

My own metaphorical train seemed to have changed direction so suddenly, I was still reorienting. Still accepting that there had been a massive change of course and everything was different now. Part of me was reluctant to accept this, and I didn’t know why.

My fixed understanding of the world and people had become obsolete. Yes. In this new environment I needed new understanding, and that felt daunting. I didn’t know if I could do it.

I had to feel into the new world without knowing what I would find. I didn’t even know what I was looking for. No stranger to diving into unknown vibrational waters, I was still hesitant.

The last couple days I’ve been breathing into that discomfort. Letting myself feel relief. And as I did, some words came to me.

I acknowledge that the old world is no more. I acknowledge that we have created a new world. I let go of the old. I accept that it is gone. I let go and I accept this new beginning. 

I point myself, orient myself forward. Released of the events of the past, my eyes open to what is becoming. I no longer bother with that which was. I am focused forward. And only in this view can I understand fully. Only in this view can I prepare for what’s to come. Only in this view can I reconfigure my understanding of the world and of people.

I am willing. I am willing to see, I am willing to accept. I am willing to move forward.

Parts of that I had to repeat a few times, because it felt good and it felt like I was releasing my mind of its binds as I let go.

I deleted Facebook off my phone. I enjoy social media, I believe there are a lot of benefits to it, even with the drawbacks. However, I wasn’t going to be able to do what I needed to do if I continued to partake in that particular collective space.

It was too noisy. It made my mind buzz with endless judgment, compassion, conspiracy theories, sadness, happiness. One big pile of beautiful junk that kept me off track and mostly in the past. I could hear what my friends would say about this or that, I could hear mine and everyone else’s voices buzzing in my head and I needed quiet.

I love distractions and interactions with people online, but this was not the time. Whatever relief came from that social interaction was not enough to warrant being blind to what was coming.

We were on a new adventure and we (I) needed to be prepared. I needed to loosen up my mind and my body. To allow myself to take in new information without judgement. I needed to have free spaces within me to integrate the new.

The only message I can give in good conscience and a steady heart is this:

Let go. Let go of the old world. Let go of your old life. Don’t think about what you used to do. Don’t think about where you used to work or what you liked to eat. Let go. 

Are you willing to accept a new world, a better world? Are you willing to see your life be reconstructed to serve you better? Are you willing to see the changes that you, specifically have asked for?

Ease your own suffering and let go of trying to understand. Turn off the hum of the collective mind. Withdraw for awhile, for as long as you can. It doesn’t have to be physically, but in your mind. 

Give yourself relief. Free your mind of worry. Just let go. There’s nothing to hold on to. There’s nothing to evaluate or figure out. Relax into the possibility of a new life. 

Do you really want to go back anyway? Or do you want to move forward, into a better future?

You don’t have to fix things. You don’t have to make sure they work out the way you want. You don’t have to map out your future, not yet. Not quite yet. Soon, yes. Soon, you’ll write down what you would like in this new life. You’ll outline it all. But for now, let go.

Don’t think about how everyone else must be feeling or what they’re doing. Just do you. Find a comfortable space within yourself and go there. Feel the peace of it, feel the calm.

Part of you knows you’re okay. You’re okay. This is all okay. Looks like a giant mess, but it’s not yours to clean up. And it won’t get cleaned up, it’ll just evolve into a new day. So gently move your attention to this New Day. What does it feel like, what does it look like? It feels warm and sunny. Feels good. The air is fresh and clean. You feel free. You smile. Your skin feels good. It feels good as a soft breeze brushes against it. Stay here for awhile. 

This is the beginning.

❤

Stop Being a Phony [please don’t stop]

I fear reason and logic have become overrated. I decided to look up what the definitions of these two words are, so I would have a clear understanding of that which is veering us off track.

From Google:

reason:: the power of the mind to think, understand, and form judgments by a process of logic.

logic:: reasoning conducted or assessed according to strict principles of validity.

It seems like they go hand in hand. Let’s combine them.

The power of the mind to think, understand, and form judgments according to strict principles of validity.

I believe this “validity” is the root of the problem. We all have different views on life and our world, and yet  it seems there are certain ideas we consider to be ‘valid’.

We call upon religion, science, medicine, and law to define what is valid. Each based in a fluid medium. Each c-r-e-a-t-e-d and ever evolving. Science is re-adapted constantly, it is a way to understand our (mostly unexplainable) universe. New discoveries are made, old discoveries updated or discarded.

Medicine continues to be a practice. It varies around the world and is in fact, imperfect. Religion is has gone through countless iterations, with every believer understanding differently then the next. Law was created to help maintain order and agreements made. It must change with that whom is governs, and people are never-endingly changing.

We judge each other with such knowing vigor. This is Right and this is Wrong. In fact, we think right and wrong are so obvious that we would throw ourselves off the cliffs of kindness and humanity to persecute one another. So blinded that we do it in the name of protecting peace, or standing up for those who do not want our advocacy.

It’s all justified, we think. I know what is right. I have a whole team of people here that would agree with me. And so lines divide us. In every aspect of our lives, we draw lines to divide those on our teams from the other teams. We make friends with those that align with our values and we ridicule those who do not.

Every year I spend time at a small festival where we dance and play music. We spend a long weekend together, eating with people we just met. Falling in love with a stranger across the way pouring their heart out as they drum.

For years, I didn’t know anything about any of those people except what I experienced at this festival. I knew the sound of their laugh and how they moved their body to the music. I knew which instruments were their favorite to play. I could spot their smile across the vast field like a beacon of light and I would run towards it.

One day, Facebook gave me an opportunity to get to know them better. I saw their political, spiritual, community views. I saw how they interacted with others online. I saw where we aligned and where we didn’t.

I saw the organizer of the event do something so incredibly inspiring – he treated everyone equally. He didn’t point fingers. He didn’t ostracize a single person. You could be flailing around wildly and offending everyone and I believed that in his eyes, he just saw a Person. Something came over me so strongly. A dense wave. I realized it didn’t matter. All of our views and beliefs and online presence. We were humans, doing our best.

In that space where we left our masks at the entrance and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable and exist in the quieter places of our soul, we were the same. There was unity and recognition. You could see it in everyone’s eyes. We were there to connect.

I wondered, once you see someone underneath their mask…which do you acknowledge? Do you forget how you saw them, free and joyful playing their music under the moon? Do you hold their mask as true and put on your own? Or do you remember their true face?

I couldn’t forget. I wanted to put down my arms. I was tired of fighting. I didn’t like pointing fingers. I didn’t like judging. Something seemed so inherently dysfunctional about feeling “right” and thinking someone else was “wrong”.

We judge naturally, to determine what is safe for us. I don’t believe it was to shame and chastise others.  To create division. We can in fact disagree and respect and honor one another.

We are dynamic, changing beings. We change our mind over time, all of us. We take on new masks, try new things.

We allow larger societal systems to determine our kindness and understanding with one another. We stand behind political parties as though they were flesh and blood. And we forget each other.

We forget that we are human, and have the right to believe or support whatever we choose. Moreover, we each feel called to different things. I can love someone who stands against me because life is about variety. If we were all the same, what would be the point?

Most pointedly, I don’t write this to awaken compassion with you. I write this to say – be who you are. Loudly. And let other people be who they are too, exist together. Don’t hide those parts of you that are contrary to your circle. Celebrate them. Wave them around.

We are all phonies, because we are all multi-faceted beings. We cannot accurately portray ALL that we are, it’s impossible. So we choose which parts to play with publicly.

None of us are phonies, because we know that we are all choosing only a tiny part of the vastness that we are to portray as personality at any given time in our lives.

Sometimes, in my understanding of everyone’s view point, I lose my own. I feel as though I can’t stand for anything because I will alienate someone I care about. But we can’t be everyone. And we can’t align with everyone. That’s not the point. The point is to wave your own colors and let others to the same and to enjoy the variety of it all.

In this, you don’t need to convince anyone of anything. You don’t need to hide and you don’t need to remove people from your life who don’t agree with you. One of the most inspiring things to see is someone passionate about their stance, who respects and honors someone else’s stance. If feels…in sync. In sync with love and kindness.

Stand tall in who you are and allow those you love to do the same. Don’t try to agree. Just honor each other. Find your voice, use it. The world needs you to speak what’s in your heart.