Eclipsing Light

I had a friend tell me once that I was a lighthouse. I thought it was a nice thing to say, but I didn’t totally understand what that meant. I guess, simply, someone who emits light.

Then, many years later I met someone and thought…that person is a lighthouse. Because at the time, I was in dark, stormy waters. But in their eyes was something familiar. Like someone lighting a match in the middle of a dark room.

I felt like one of those boats, out in choppy waters on a moon-less night, trying to stay afloat. And there, in the distance and through the fog…a light. A light that says, you are not lost, come this way.

I am reminded of a trip my sister and I took to St. Augustine, FL. She was walking and dancing on a wall of stones by the bay, while the lighthouse in the distance flashed its lights in intervals. I stood with my camera, soaking up the night sky and watching her skirt sway in the wind and in rhythm with her dance.

I had to wait for the times when the light would shine in our direction, to be able to get the picture of it illuminating the scene.

And I now sit here feeling in my heart the importance of darkness and the light, and how one seems to follow the other. And even more so, that when the light isn’t shining in one direction, it’s shining somewhere else.

In May of this year, I lost all of my light. I had nothing to give and nothing to shine on anyone. I thought I might die of nothingness, as all I knew was giving.

This came as a result of “healing”. Healing that was unlike anything I’d known before. It twisted me inside out and backwards, it chewed me up, spit me out and chewed me back up again.

I came face to face with the ugliest parts of me and the ugly in others too. And for the first time, I didn’t want to run. I wanted to know what it was like to stand, tall and wide as an oak tree, face to face with everything I’d run from my whole life.

I wanted to know what would happen next.

And that’s when the light turned off.

But now I know, it didn’t turn off…it changed direction.

It lit up the inside, rather than the outside. I thought I would die, not emitting light to the external world.

And in a way, I did. I turned inside out.

And little by little, I started seeing that light emitting from me again.

May we all know what it’s like to be the lighthouse and to be the ship in dark, stormy waters. Remembering that we’re all in this together, even when we’re alone.

In the Meadows

Does Ease still know my name?

Though I wandered in the valleys of doubt

In the shadow of strain

Swam in rivers of anger

In rage and loathing

Does love still know my name?

I toiled in the mines of Ugly

Tearing away at the walls of disease

Does the light still know my name?

They said, go. Unearth yourself.

Be unafraid of what you find.

And I walked through walls of wind

Head down, my whole body

Fighting against the strength of their power

In this, after this,

Does Ease still know my name?

Can I sit in the meadows of life’s beauty once again?

Will it have me?

In the bright yet gentle sunshine-

Knee high grass and wildflowers

Sitting on the seat of the divine,

Will it still have me?

Do my battered limbs and coal-blackened face

Still have a place

In that meadow?

Will it still have me?

Into the Cold

The world became scary
Scary
Cold
And I wanted to run back
To the places I know
Where I feel safe
Those pockets, or streams
Where the world is blocked out
A warm fog of yellows and browns
Carries me,
And the world is distant.


No, stay.


I stayed
In the cold
In the realization of the cold
Briefly, feeling the scary world
Cold and blustering.


I said, Heba stay. Bundle up.
Briefly. Blustery.
I stayed. I felt the cold.
[Time ticks]


And then I came home.
Into the present moment.
And out of my mind.

The Eyes of the Heart

It’s past midnight and I should be sleeping.

I laid awake thinking about this thing that’s been bothering me. I rolled it around and around in my head. Trying to see it with my larger vision, trying to see the trail of ease and light flowing through it. But the more I looked, the more frustrated I became. Sad, frustrated, and hopeless. I took comfort in a few moments of apathy before it started rolling around again in my mind.

I asked for guidance, I went to look with my larger eyes to where I usually find answers. But I was turned away. I’d been turned away for weeks now. Where once there was a well of peace and response, now was a closed door. A sign hanging that said, “Turn back.”

I didn’t understand why. Why on this most-emotional subject could I not see the path? Why was I being turned away by my higher guidance? I didn’t understand, but I knew it was for the best. I could feel it.

My stubborn self, inexhaustible in my constant search for answers, solutions and broader vision was not satisfied. I fought with myself. “Let it go” I told myself. But I couldn’t. So I stayed in the purgatory of the mind.

Endless thoughts that lead nowhere. The incessant ups and downs of emotion, like the waves of a restless sea.

And then, suddenly, I saw a little glimmer of light. I felt it. A little spark of wisdom. It was so small, so subtle, I ran to chase it down in the cluttered mess of my mind. I would barely get hold of it and poof, it would evaporate.

I tried to remember what it felt like. Like catching a whiff of a flower and looking around to find its origin. I sniffed around. I caught it again and again and I listened to what it was saying.

Words like, “Kindness. Soft. Gentle”.

That was closer, but not quite accurate.

Again I listened. “Kindness? Soft. Gentle. Soft.”

The word ‘soft’ became more prominent. So soft. So subtle. Almost unfelt.

I could barely understand the message. And as I used my mind to make sense of it, it was trampled by overbearing thoughts and images.

I listened again. This time I listened with my whole body.

“Soft. Kind. Unfelt. Gentle. Non-judgment.”

“Non-judgment.” I understood this as…’where judgment doesn’t live-cannot live’.

I felt something in my heart space. Something echoed in my chest. A pulsation of feeling.

I brought my awareness to my heart and listened from there.

And I got it!

I understood.

‘Don’t approach this from the head, the mind, or even vision. Approach it from the heart.’

Vision was always my highest. This is where clarity is for me, connection to my guidance, connection to the light.

I follow light streams through this vision, it’s how I travel. And when I feel it, I feel it behind my eyes or in my forehead or somewhere above my head. When I flow energy, I feel it in the palms of my hands, or streaming through my forearms.

My heart lights up when there’s a direct message of love for someone I’m reading. And I transmit that love from my heart to their energy field. I match its essence and I echo it out of me.

Sometimes right at the start of a reading or right at the end, I’ll feel that lit-up heart space. It feels like recognition, someone is being seen with the eyes of Love. Or, love is currently the dominating presence.

Otherwise, I don’t look with my heart. I never even thought about it.

Vision from the heart doesn’t have words. Or rather, its words are so simple it’s as though you’re saying nothing.

It just sends out pulsations. Impulses. It directs you from wisdom that lies outside of the mind. And that wisdom is acted out through you as love.

It feels like a gentle cooing. That maybe if we spoke in a different language that originated in Love, we would all be cooing at each other.

Life would be less complex-relationships would be less complex. Our primary messages to each other would be messages of soothing. Affirmations of well-being and belonging.

But Love is only one language we speak here. There are so many others.

Perhaps I became lost in these others, and forgot the most natural one of all. The one that barely speaks, and in the fewest words gives us more than the endless novels of the mind’s thinking.

Tomorrow I’ll remember. I’ll remind myself. I’ll tap my hand on my chest and remember, “Look with your heart.”

And I’ll be gentle.

I’ll be present and echo that impulse of love that swells into my heart from the heart of the divine.

Tomorrow I’ll practice a new kind of seeing. I’ll steady myself into my heart space and see life through its eyes for awhile.

High Work & High Paths

Every now and then a new term is coined during a reading. Most recently, “high work”.

High Work is the type of inner work you’re called to do, that is a little extra hard or tricky. It’s the kind you don’t have to do. Your life would continue on, mostly okay if you didn’t do it. So you have less inclination to respond to this kind of work. It’s mostly pushed to the side.

It comes back to the foreground when you’ve done the other more “urgent” work, and there is opportunity for “high work”. Interestingly, most people would rather dive into lower work to avoid high work.

Because HW compels you to break new ground. To take your thoughts to new places. To catch yourself as you go down familiar thought-ways and redirect your attention.

It takes more energy to do HW. You can’t be as lazy with your thoughts and you can’t feel sorry for yourself in this kind of work. It presents itself when your spirit knows you are currently Able to do this kind of work.

Today I was called upon to do some HW of my own. I could feel that it was coming, but the last month or so I was too busy in my low-work to get there.

Everyone’s work is different of course, and all work is created to clear paths to freedom. So that life can feel like a choice and not a chore. Like a creative adventure rather than penance.

My current high work gives the following instructions:

When my thoughts include another person, to notice whether my energy dips or elevates, and if it dips, to immediately take that thought and shift it so that it elevates. I can feel the tension as I attempt this. The practiced habit of moving forward with the suggestion of a thought tugs at me to follow. And in the moment that I hit pause and redirect, I can feel a visceral “Whoop!”. Like going over a big bump while driving and feeling the tummy flop as you come back down the other side.

As soon as I notice a thought enter about a person, and a subsequent energy dip, I imagine that person laughing or smiling, or the sun shining on their face. That’s my go-to image that helps me redirect. Or I’ll think about them standing outside smiling, on a sunny day. And Whoop! suddenly I feel upliftment in my heart about them and about myself.

It’s high work because it takes a lot of interference with practiced thought-ways. It’s bringing a lot of awareness to what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling. And it’s seemingly less appealing than moving forward with practiced thoughts and feeling patterns. There is comfort and predictability in doing what we know. So why take that comfort away and do something new?

Sometimes it’s not a good time for high work. There might not be enough energy flowing in your system to make make such constant interruptions. Sometimes another type of work is more beneficial.

When I attempt HW at the “wrong” time, I can’t keep it up. It doesn’t feel beneficial. In fact, it feels like it’s making things worst for me. That’s why listening to yourself is so important.

I always feel-out how easy or difficult it is to move energy at a particular time. How easy is it to shift my thoughts? If anything ever feels too strenuous or taxing, I back off. Then it’s not time. That’s not the way. I look for an easier path. I ask questions like, “What feels like Love right now?” or “Where is Love right now?” There is a time for soothing, a time for smaller work, and a time to do work that propels you upward. All are valuable.

High work doesn’t compel you as much as other types of work. It invites you. It gives you an opportunity for something better, but never tries to convince you to come. It says, “here is this space. you’ll like it here. it’ll feel better. but I won’t drag you here, you have to walk yourself.” High work is Self-compelled and Self-propelled. You have to choose to say yes and choose to follow.

To me, the highest paths are the ones that light up and invite you, but never force you. It’s the ones you follow for no reason. The ones that feel good to you, but you can’t always articulate why.

Other paths Compel you. They are an answer to physical needs or wants like money, success, companionship, or status. They “make sense” in terms of what other people think and what society deems right or normal. They make sense to your logical, intellectual parts.

Higher paths don’t seem to make logical sense to those parts of you, or to anyone watching you from the outside. But they speak to your heart. There is a warmth to them, a sense of magic or right-ness deep within you-even though you can’t figure out why. They guarantee nothing, they promise you nothing. And so following is a choice, a feeling that part of you is coming home on this path. There is only Resonance with your spirit.

There will be many beautiful things gained on this path and by doing High Work, but the focus is never on attainment, only the path. And if focus shifts to attainment and not the path, you’ll stumble back into some old thought-ways and life will reflect to you old patterns and experiences.

And so when the time is right, another opportunity or invitation will come to you to follow the higher path. No guarantees, no promises, only a feeling of “yes”, “rightness”, and resonance with Being.

Over and over this happens, soaring and then sinking. Following and diverging. But it’s all part of a beautiful design. Always soar when you are Able, always lean towards the light. Because distraction is inevitable. The enticement of physical things is inevitable. The physical world will give you endless Reasons to be immersed in it. Lend your thoughts elsewhere when you’re able – – if you choose to be an active participant in the Balance of your life.