Calling in Presence.

This is quite a personal post.

It feels more private, more close to my heart.

I always dreamed of doing something fulfilling in my life. I was obsessed with finding my “purpose” for many years.

I’ve retired that search now, maybe I found my purpose, or maybe I redefined what purpose means to me.

I had an expectation that doing what I was really meant to do, would leave me in a permanent state of bliss and with endless energy.

I’ve grown to realize this isn’t true. There is no permanent state of bliss, only states of grace.

The other day I finished a day full of all of my favorite expressions. I read tarot, I painted, I edited videos of me speaking about things that I love.

At the end of the day, I felt empty. As though I’d dumped out everything good inside of me, and there was nothing left.

I was confused. Here I was, doing everything I dreamed of doing…and I was drained at the end of it.

Had I miscalculated? Had I done something wrong?

I sat in my emptiness, and then I uncomfortably nestled into my bed for a night of restless sleep.

The next day I still felt that emptiness. I was more prone to irritability. My internal cup of happiness and patience felt bone dry.

I was used to complaining about “regular” work, but I never thought I would feel negative emotions doing the work I love.

It felt like the beginning of a depressive episode. I was having trouble concentrating, trouble staying present. I was frantically searching for something that would make me feel good.

Coffee? Sweets? Chips? Anything. Help.

But there was no opportunity to binge eat. No opportunity to hide. I had to cope without my unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I had to sit in the discomfort of emptiness, sadness, confusion, anger and loss.

On my drive home I realized something. It had been there all along, like I’d been whispering something to myself that I couldn’t hear.

I realized that I had to be my own guardian all the time. I was always responsible for being sensitive to my needs, and responding to my needs.

There will never come a time when I don’t have needs. And those needs change consistently.

I have to not judge myself or my current needs, only to respond with attention and love.

There will never come a time, especially when I’m doing my “soul” work, that I don’t have to tend to my well-being.

I can’t judge how worthy I am based on whether my needs are high or low. Whether I’m high maintenance or low maintenance has nothing to do with whether or not I’m a worthy person who deserves good things.

Putting out “soul” work means being even more loving to yourself than before. Because you’re giving even more of yourself. Better said, giving of yourself from a fuller state of being.

That means more rest, more tending, more loving, more attention.

It made me realize and remember how foreign it’s been to me, taking care of myself. It always feels like something had gone terribly wrong, and then I remember, “oh, I’m just supposed to respond to my needs. Everything is okay.”

For a long time I tried to quiet or ignore the alarm that goes off when I need something. I’ve had to train myself bit by bit, to listen, to understand, to respond.

I thought of myself, sitting despondent on my bed that night. I just needed to tend to myself. I needed to be with myself.

But I was confused. I didn’t sit with myself, I was upset with myself for feeling down.

I thought, “I don’t know what to do with you. Just go to sleep and we’ll deal with it tomorrow I guess.”

I sit here now, still having felt that emptiness. And I remembered, “tend to yourself”.

I said to myself, “what do you need?”

And the only thing I needed was presence.

For me to turn my attention away from my to-do lists and look at myself. To fully occupy this beautiful body. To feel at home with myself.

I don’t always realize when I’ve pushed myself away. When I’ve abandoned myself, on the inside.

But the symptoms of that abandonment are obvious. An emptiness. Despondency. Confusion. Sadness.

I found it easy to say to myself, “I’m calling in presence. Presence of mind. Presence of heart. Presence of body.”

I’m calling myself home to myself. Be with me, stay with me. Listen.

Isn’t it such a blessing to have words? And to let the words carry the intention exactly where it needs to go, without intellectually trying to figure it out?

“I’ll come home to you. I’ll listen. I’m right here. What do you need? Nothing is more important in this moment than me and my needs.”

There never comes a time when we don’t have to be the Guardians of our Self.

We are the listeners, the observers, we lend attention where it needs to go.

We’re responsible for the parts of ourselves that get forgotten. We’re responsible for the parts that run off in a fit of anger, spitting words soaked in hatred.

And the responsibility never ceases. Sometimes it’s more demanding, sometimes less.

I nestled into this knowledge. And I felt love. I felt power.

It’s easy I thought, the answer is just “take care of yourself.”

I can do that. I just have to remember.

With Love,

Heba