Years ago, I became sober of all of life’s distractions and attempted to be in the present moment. I realized how much I had tried not to be in the present moment.
I especially found this to be true at work. I would come in preparing to escape presence; I looked for jobs that would be best for non-presence.
(Of course, I wasn’t consciously aware that I was doing this.)
There was an anger and a rebellion inside me in relation to presence.
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The last few days, I’ve been bringing awareness to my thoughts when they feel particularly wild. I wrote on an index card with Sharpie: “Let go of the narrative.”
This morning, I looked at the index card while I got ready for the day. I took a breath and tried to sit in the present moment. It was perfect, free of monsters and villains. Just me, in a moment, applying lip gloss.
I felt anger and resistance well up inside me, a seeming voice that yelled, “Run!”
I brought awareness to this voice, to this feeling of needing to flee.
And I realized, in the past, my peaceful moments of presence had been interrupted so regularly. They’d been crashed into with bowling balls of another’s wrath or pain.
Perhaps in those moments of presence we find Ourselves. We find peace and revitalization. Moments of rest and recalibration.
The interruption of them causes disturbance to our innate sense of rebalancing towards well-being. Perhaps it causes disturbance in the development of Self – feeling comfortable in our internal seat of self.
And when the interruptions cease, we’re left with our reactive memory of them. Our response that springs up to protect our sacred self and sacred peace.
The self and the peace never left, never moved. They were always there. And our response was not to protect our “outer” self, but the most sacred inner self.
Knowing that one day, we would be able to come home again. Home to that inside peace that knows us so well. It knows all of our names and all of our hearts.
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I spoke to this part of me that wanted to run, to protect the beautiful womb of peace within me.
It said, “How can you be sure it’s safe? What if it happens again? Perhaps we should be on guard. Perhaps we need to be somewhere safer. Perhaps we need to build a fortress. Don’t be quiet, don’t be peaceful. I don’t want the interruption to happen. I don’t want you to be scared. I don’t want you to be hurt.”
I couldn’t guarantee that something wouldn’t interrupt a peaceful moment. How could I? We live in a wild world of aliveness.
I prayed, “How do I live in the peace of the present moment and in the variability and wildness of life’s happenings?”
I suspect that I know the answer, and it currently lies beneath the language of words.
The answer is in the question itself. It’s awareness and consciousness coming forward to shine light on this very question. It’s replacing the scary “what if” with “I am.”
Life has no guarantees, it only demands presence. Fear can’t live in the same space as Presence. That’s why it tries to “kick it out”.
When these kinds of questions come up, it means you are already in the process of coming home. You are ready to rise (a continual rising) to reclaim yourself and your peace.
Your being is saying, “I’m ready.” And it’s a process. Every moment of tension is a moment to raise your consciousness, to bring your awareness forward and shine your light.
Have compassion for the younger You that was wise enough to know, “One day I’ll be ready. I’ll have scrapes and scars, but on the inside, I’ll be whole and well. And I’ll remember that those scars are not who I am, but what I had to do. I’ll remember how well I protected my Sacred self and I’ll give myself to myself once more. I’ll say, I’m here. And I’m ready.”
Have faith in the You that you are now. You are strong enough to rise to the occasion.
<3,
Heba
Love: 