I walked the perimeter of the park, my body felt heavy, my mouth was agape, and tears awkwardly streamed down my cheeks as I stumbled down the dirt path.
I felt unpossessed. A body wobbling forward, lost of itself.
I said to myself, “I don’t know what to Be. I don’t know what to think.”
And then I suggested to myself, “Then just be nothing. Be the air. Be presence. Be empty of thought.”
I said, “Ok.”
I continued forward. Walking with my unpossessed body. Frankenstein footsteps jolting forward beneath my torso.
I looked out onto the river and I kept breathing. Mouth agape, body feeling heavy.
I let my eyes follow the curves and splashes of the water as it rushed foreward, graceful and full of itself.
I followed its path.
*Down this way.*
And so I went.
Inhaling, exhaling. Breathing pain and agony. I was the rusty, heavy, iron chains dragging in the mud behind a pickup truck.
Inhaling, exhaling.
The path turned to the right, at the mouth of the river.
I stopped to take it in. I stepped onto a wooden platform and looked across its width. I let the weight of my body sink into the wood.
And I stayed.
I melted.
Like metal sitting too long in a hot furnace.
I took a deep breath and I felt lighter. I remembered…
‘These are the shadowlands.’
I’d been walking through the dark patches of inner turmoil and misery. Entangled in confusion and loss. With nowhere to go, and no sense to be made.
Don’t turn back.
Body heavy, misery scraping along skin. Breathe. Keep walking. These are the shadowlands. And they must be walked.
Just up ahead, the light returns. Don’t turn back. Stay with the breath. Just up ahead, the light returns.
Just up ahead, you’ll remember. Just up ahead, the light is ready and waiting.
I broke away from the mouth of the river and returned to the path. My feet felt light. My body held itself upright, breathing deep and sure.
We’d made it out.
Another trip through the shadowlands. And here I am, whole again.
Here I am, remembering that I’m on purpose. I’m part of a breath that is much larger than my understanding. I am lit from within by a flame that’s vaster than the universe itself. I am home, and I am whole. It can’t be any other way.
The air I breathe is the most nourishing, here in this present moment, where I am on purpose. I am held by the earth and known by the trees and the birds that surround me.
Because we are all on purpose, right here and right now. Lit by the same flame. Breathed by the same breath.
Don’t turn back. Walk until you are home again. Home is always waiting.
With Love,
Heba ❤
Love: 