The Folds of Mystery

[A Love Letter]

I am a seeker down to my very core. I’ve followed the path of intrigue down the darkest passages of misery, thirsty for understanding and knowledge.

I’ve learned that in my ability to read so deeply, lies also the fountain of my undoing. Side by side, like two sides of a coin, stand my greatest strength and love and my most pronounced misery.

The breath between is what saves me. And that breath is called, “choice”.

I stumbled into this world, my heart belonging to spirit. I listened inside the words of prayer and felt into the sound of rushing water. And there I could hear the breath of life itself. I was a devotee to energy, to the rising and falling of spirit’s breath.

I would say, “yes, I’ll follow.”

The loud sounds of society and complex relationships constantly hammering at my door of peace and devotion. And as I turned to look, I saw demons and angels twisting and turning inside of those I loved. I saw pain glorified and love trampled like a line of ants charging across a busy sidewalk.

My peace was not welcomed and my love was irrelevant. This world seemed to love pain. And so I followed. I obliged this desire for pain. I said, “I’ll follow this pain, I’ll align with it – as it calls.”

Ever devoted, following the passageways of fear, self-hatred, confusion, and disharmony. And inside, my love still bloomed. Its flowers pushing up against the inside of my world, desiring to break free.

“I see you, Love. I’ll find a way to bring you here.”

I traveled for years and years, searching for a place where my Love could live free. And I found the perfect place. Carefully and lovingly cultivated air and land. I scooped its soil into my hands and breathed in its air, as deep as I could. I was home.

Inside the folds of colors and shapes and words, there was the silence of Choice.

Just beyond the reach of my reasoning and my ability to collapse waves into words, there was peace. The space of silence. Inside the folds between the motion of following, and the rising of energy. A space. This space says, “breathe.” It says, “here.” It says, ” – – – “.

And in this, ” – – – “, is me. The breath behind choice. The witness. That which Is. It is unmoving. It stands in silence and breathes in the glory of the present moment.

It’s as though you dove inside of a singular moment of a hummingbird drinking sweet nectar. Where time slowed into a place where it became non-time. Un-time. The untying. And nothing else existed besides the Experiencer experiencing sweet nourishment.

And the bird is not a bird, is it the “I am”. Set into the environment of “Now, this.” Participating in the act of “Together”.

This place cannot be understood, but it is the place from which vision emerges. It jumps into experience from This Place like a grasshopper off of a trampoline. We see the surge, but we cannot see where it came from.

We can rest into this space, this space beyond words and understanding. We can relax into it, but as we reemerge into the world’s specifics, we take on something else. We move into Choice.

The bed on which life’s concepts are expressed, is the bed of the unknown. It is the non-space from which vision springs forward into meaning.

We’re not meant to go into this non-space to discover the specifics of this life. What we’re supposed to be doing, who we’re supposed to love, what we’re supposed to look like. It is not meant to be the place where life-meaning is created within the confines of concepts and stories.

This life-experience is where meaning is created. This is where stories are told. This is where concepts are realized into shapes and color.

Relaxing into the non-space helps you remember this. That you are not anything that you think you are. You are nameless, genderless, faceless, and you desire for very little. And you aren’t meant to stay in this nothing-less of identity. You’re meant to choose Life and all the specifics that come with it.

You do not choose with mind projections. The veins of choice are hidden. You can only uncover Choice moment by moment. In the quiet place between stimulus and response. Where you observe the happenings of life, as well as your response to them.

And moment by moment, bringing breath into that response to life. Not fixing, not forcing, not coercing or planning. Rather: looking, feeling, breathing, listening. And from this, that jump or surge of Choice will come to you.

This is how you discover “who you are”. Eternally known as, “who you choose to be”.

You do not know who you choose to be. So let go of trying to paint the picture of “you”. You cannot. You can only discover who you choose to be, moment by moment. Erupting out of the folds of mystery.

I am a seeker down to my very core. And when I touch up against this place of mystery, this place that collapses all of my tools and vehicles for understanding – I blissfully retire my charge. My mission of understanding softens and liquefies in the presence of the majesty of life.

And I’m so grateful. So grateful to discover, solve, and understand and grateful to let all of the wisdom rain back into the seas of nothingness. To return it all to the majesty and mystery of this great, unknowable experience.

“Thank you for the mystery that you are. Thank you for letting me peak behind the veils and then let go of everything I think I’ve learned. What a beautiful blessing it is, to find the most beautiful pearls in all of the world’s waters, and then to let them all go again. This is love.”

With Love,

Heba

❤

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